DRW Tape it or Die/Blog Posts

Below is every Blog post for Tape it or Die found at tapeitordie.com. Links to images and videos are embedded here for convenience. Links to pages on this site were not in the original blog.

Major revelations

 * There was a New Jersey Outbreak, see "Happy birthday to me!" below.

Blog list
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April

 * Month of April
 * Month of April


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 * Johnny Pipes

Tape it or Die = Open Now!
Image courtesy of the fine folks at the Kentucky Bison Company!
 * 2010 04 6

Hey folks! Welcome to Tape It Or Die! After weeks of planning, we are officially open! Hot damn! I'm sure many of you reading this were followers of the late Shambling Meat Bag forums. Still don't know what happened there. Jorge just fell off the face of the Earth. But we have our top men man working to see if we cannot fish out some of those epic threads. But enough about dead websites! Long live Tape It Or Die, where we discuss all things zombie, and all things tape. My name's Johnny Pipes (yes, the Johnny Pipes). I'll be hosting this party. And making the occasional Red Bull run. (And as a side note, if you're in the Costa Mesa area, be sure to use Johnny Pipes Plumbing for all your plumbing and handyman needs!) But this is a team effort! I cannot do this kind of thing alone. So, we have some other SMB veterans here picking up my slack.


 * Left Hand Lance: Zombie expert and webmaster extraordinaire. If you have issues with the site, contact HIM, not ME! Hahaha!
 * Gretchen: Our angel investor. She is fronting our hosting bills. <3 Also, she is my main squeeze! <3<3<3
 * Wallace: ...........You know, we love Wallace. Very much!

So, the four of us are going to be writing about - what else - zombies. But we're not stopping there! This is where we think beyond the shotgun. With a good roll of tape in your hand, the world is your oyster. More on this later. So, enough introduction! I'm cracking open a Red Bull. Let's get this party started!
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 * Left Hand Lance

THE MIGHTY LEFT HAND OF LHL
Since this is my first post, it seems like i should introduce myself, but that seems a little weird because it seems like everyone already knows me already. but whatev. I'm Left Hand Lance; you can call me LHL or Lefty for short. i'll be posting and commenting here and doing all that stuff I was doing on the Shambling Meat Bag, except that now instead of just moderating forums, I'm actually in charge. All hail my mighty left hand! LOL!
 * 2010 04 8

oh, and I shouldn't have to mention this, since all the people here are on my good list, but since I'm webmaster here, I will be more ruthless than I ever was as a SMB mod. If you get out of line, or rile me up, i will ban you so hard, you won’t be able to see straight. Just sayin'.
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 * Wallace Hertzog

My Intro and Zombie Bikes
Hi everybody. This is my first official post here, so I should probably introduce myself. My name is Wallace, and I'll be yet another of your guides here on the path that is Tape it or Die. If you were on the Shambling Meat Bag, you may remember that I was the leader of the "Bigger in Texas" group (and if you were a member of the group, it's not too late to have a barbecue this weekend. Just call me to set up a time.
 * 2010 04 10

Also if you knew me from the SMB, you'd know that I like motorcycles. They're both a livelihood and a pastime. Building and repairing them has given me years of enjoyable work and a steady income. (And while I won't blatantly advertise like some folks (named Johnny Pipes), I can help out if you ever need a repair shop in the San Antonio area.)

But if I talked about bikes in a non-zombie way, I'd...well, let's just say my popularity would drop. Like my father sometimes said, "Never bring a cross to a pagan party" (or something like that). But still, there's plenty of bleeding between these two areas. Today, for example, I want to look at what happens when zombies and motorcycles love each other very much. namely, you get an awesomely unholy hybrid between the two. Like this!

Yes, yes, I realize that this is not technically a zombie bike, but rather a skeleton bike.

But still, if you have a reanimated skeleton, that can still count as the living dead, right? Okay, I get it, we need some skin, even if it is rotting. So how about this?
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 * Gretchen Peregrine

How Long Would it Take You to Convert
I found an interesting quiz whilst browsing the Internet. It's called the Zombie Bite Calculator, and like its name implies, its purpose is to figure out how long it would take you to convert after being bitten by a zombie. I would be interested to know what the base conversion time is. I can only assume that it is one hour, which some people have hypothesized is the conversion time for the "completely average person" (if such a thing exists). Regardless, the relevant aspects which effect the conversion time include:
 * 2010 04 11



Age: Basic. 22 years is considered the ideal age of health for the average person, with desirability decreasing as the age range radiates.

Propensity for catching common sicknesses (e.g. colds), and speed of recovery: Indicators of one's immunity level. While the human immune system cannot defeat the zombie infection completely, it cannot hurt to have a stronger system.

Exercise amount and level of obesity: If you cannot figure these out, I doubt you pass middle school biology.

Smoking habits and asthma: In addition to being indicative of general health, both of these prevent oxygen (a vital healing factor) from entering the system.

Ease of bruising and use of blood thinners: I find this to be both fascinating and relevant. Because of the unique, fast-acting nature of zombie infection, travel through blood is very important. A higher degree of what the layman will term "brusieability" means that the veins are easily broken, propagating the spread of blood and, thus, the infection.

Similar with blood thinners Cholesterol Level: I'd be curious to see how this effects the time. On the one hand, high cholesterol means lower overall health. However, because cholesterol is essentially a waxy buildup within the veins, it would actually slow the spread of the infection. It'd be an interesting research item.

Weight: Unlike obesity level, having a greater weight can actually be an asset, as you have more blood that needs to be infected before you turn. This works similarly to blood alcohol levels and being considered a "lightweight."

Anemia: An anemic person has an abnormally low number of red blood cells. Theoretically, I suppose this would work in a manner inverse to the high weight.

Diabetes: Diabetes has several symptoms, including fatigue, weight loss, and slow wound healing, that would all either contribute to the acquisition or spread of the infection.

Truth be told, I'm disappointed with this result. I am in tip-top physical condition, the only things I consume are beneficial, and I know more about health than anyone I know. What I can assume works against me is my age being sub-optimal and my weight being on the lower end. However, I'd still wager that I'd last longer than anyone else here. Please post your (honest) results in the comments, so we can compare.
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 * Johnny Pipes

Lets Talk About Tape
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here! Well, as you may know, I'm a plumber (best in the Costa Mesa area (949-478-3949). Also a overall handyman and a tinkerer and an inventor. I use a lot of tape. A lot. And I make sure I have tape on me at all times. And not just at work. I have it at home and at parties and on dates.
 * 2010 04 20

I mean, what if some mugger slashed a hole in your lady-friend's purse? Tape it up! What if a kid is being too loud in a restaurant? Tape his mouth shut! (Didn't do that one myself; I just gave the mother a strip of tape. Not sure if she used it, but I didn't hear the kid after that.)

Basically, if there's a problem that's not un-solvable, usually one of the solutions involves tape. So, my logic goes:
 * Zombies are a problem.
 * The problem of zombies is not un-solvable.
 * Therefore, tape must be a solution!

Of course there are the basics:


 * Tape based traps (large pit covered by weak tape).
 * Putting double-sided tape on the ground to slow them even more.
 * T hrowing rolls of tape at the zombies.

But my favorite thing about tape is that it's not just repairative! It's also combinative! If you have two solid, tangible objects, they can be totally taped together! And that includes weapons. If you have two guns and tape them together, you get a doublegun! Tape two swords together, and you get a doublesword! Et cetera! Now, I have lots to say on this. After all, I've been doing this kind of junk all my life. So watch out, zombies! Tape is coming for you!


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 * Left Hand Lance

Da Top 4 Zombie Movies of 2000s!!
There has been a lot of zombie films come out in the last 10 years. i guess you could say that the 2000s have been something of a renaissance for zombie films. there have been almost as many zombie movies released in the last 10 years as there have been in all the years before 2000. But just because there's a lot of movies, that doesnt mean there's any good movies. Seriously, there has also been a lot of crap. and not the "so bad it's good" kind, either. So, I wanted to make a top 5 zombie movies of all time, but I figured I should separate it into portions. So today, i'm going to be discussing my top 5 zombie movies of the 2000s (not including 2010).
 * 2010 04 23

4. 28 Days Later - I admit I'm a little hesitant about adding this one. After all, this was the movie that popularized the "fast zombie" archetype. And while i'm not necessarily the most critical person when it comes to fast zombies, I do feel that they take something away from the genre as a whole. Thaat said, I cannot simply ignore the fact that this movie is...good. it's genuinely scary and has a pretty decent plot. So if you want to have zombie movies being taken seriously by the masses of norms, this is a good step in that direction...even if it is a very fast step.

3. Resident Evil - Okay, so this one may not be considered as culturally relevant, or even as good, as 28 days Later. And the sequels were...let's not talk about Apocalypse, the better. But it has it's own pluses. First of all, it's based on my favorite video game series of all time. well, loosely based, but based nonetheless. Whenever I hear the phrase "T-Virus", I get chills. But still, the number one reason to see this movie. Milla. Milla. Oh god, Milla Milla Milla.

2. Shaun of the Dead - I give the british a lot of crap about a lot of things (bad food, bad weather, their obsession with that "Benny Hill" chase music), but man, this movie is great. Simon Pegg himself is a genius (and if you've seen him as Scotty in the Star Trek reboot, you know that his timing is perfect), and the general mix of gore and just goofiness works so well.

1. Zombie Strippers - Okay, this is one of the ones i've never actually seen, but the concept is better than anything else you can imagine. think about it. zombies. strippers. zombie strippers. (And Jenna jameson.) It almost sells itself!
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 * Gretchen Peregrine

Zombrex - A Little too late

 * 2010 04 25

It seems like every so often, there is a new malady that scares the world. In 2004, the "Disease du Jour" was the severe acute respiratory syndrome (SARS). In 2007, it was the H5N1 highly pathogenic avian influenza (HPAI, or "bird flu"). In 2009, it was the Influenza A H1N1 virus (which everyone lovingly dubbed "swine flu").

Zombies are different. First of all, we don't have any commonly-accepted nomenclature regarding the infection. It's just "zombie-ism". Perhaps it speaks to us on a more basic level, and so words fail us. Second, it seems like regardless of what nation you are in, you actually are at risk (and not just because the media says you are). And even though most instances of the outbreak have been contained, it is still important to know the symptoms. The earlier you know, the more likely you'll be able to treat the issue before fully converting.

I think the best place to start is with a box of Zombrex (tangentially, owning your own pharmacy is a wonderful way to ensure that you always are stocked with Zombrex in case the worst happens). Here are the symptoms of zombification according to the box:

The only issues I take with these symptoms (and rest assured, I have contacted Phenotrans to tell them about this) is that these are symptoms which occur close to, during, or after conversion. Stated otherwise, it may be too late. So in the interest of your health, here are some symptoms to watch out for just after being bitten.

1. Rapid coagulation and congealment of blood.

2. Lightheadedness and lethargy.

3. Irritability.

4. Profuse sweating and dehydration.

While any of these in isolation could be indicitive of any number of health issues, the four of them together could seriously be evidence that you are beginning to turn. If that occurs, be sure to visit your local pharmacy, hospital, or other medical practitioner for treatment. You'll be doing your part to help prevent the spread of the zombie outbreak.
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 * Left Hand Lance

Zip Zop Zobity Bop!
L4d's smoker + Bill Cosby = hilarity ahem...
 * 2010 04 29

click here for lulz

I don't know why Valve didn't just do this to begin with. but ya see, the kids these days listen to the rap music which gives them the brain damage with their hippin' and their hoppin and their bippin and their boppin', so they don't know what the jazz is all about!
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May

 * Month of May
 * Month of May


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 * Johnny Pipes

A Tape By Any Other Name...
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
 * 2010 05 1

So, the other day I talked about tape. I'm also going to do that today! Let's talk about the different types of tape out there. Each has its own unique - almost mystical - properties. Some can affix wrapping paper to presents! Others can affix death to zombies (metaphorically speaking)!

Scotch Tape - My quip about wrapping presents above? Yeah, that's scotch tape. Now ask yourself: are you going to be giving presents to the zombies? Maybe you are. I won't judge. But chances are you aren't. So this is honestly worth less than dirt. (You can grow plants in dirt. You cannot grow plants in scotch tape.)

Masking Tape - It's temporary. It's meant to be. You have to take it down when you're done painting. So it's not really strong. But I say it's strong enough! Well, long story short, a friend of mine fell into a masking taped covered hole and broke his leg. Success! Point is, masking tape has its uses. Like traps.

Double-Sided/Sticky Tape - The benefits of double-sided tape are obvious. Why stop at one level of stickiness, when you can have two? Problem is, most sticky tape is pretty damn weak, so not as useful as you'd like.

Electrical Tape - Zombies conduct electricity just as good as any normal human…

Gaffer's Tape - Gaffer's tape be effective at posting directions on the ground. Great for instructing other folks where safehouses and junk is.

Fire Tape - It provides a couple hours of fire protection. You could cover your entire place in this stuff. Then create a temporary "moat" of fire, burning up any zombies that come your way. Not too bad, I think.

Fiberglass Tape - Like fire tape, but made for even higher heat environments. Why not make a suit out of the stuff? And then start fires. Zombies will dies quickly in the fires. You'll die very slowly. Or maybe not at all!

Silicone Tape - It only adheres to itself. Not to anything else and, it takes 24 hours to fully adhere. Zombies are slow, but not that slow.

Warning Tape - Maybe you can warn people to stay away with it, but who actually obeys it? Fail.

Moving on. Duct Tape - .....You know, I'm gonna need a part two for this. Peace!


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 * Wallace Hertzog

A Post About Zombies Riding Bikes
I've written a bit about zombie-styled motorcycles. So somebody recently asked me if I thought that zombies are able to ride motorcycles. Naturally, my response was no. Common sense says no. You wouldn't let a hamster operate a tractor, and hamsters are smarter than zombies (at least I think they are; after all, zombies have no survival instincts).
 * 2010 05 3

But then I got to looking around, and others seem to have a different idea.

The movie Cemetery Man seems to think they can ride motorcycles.

So do these people (who were apparently on a zombie walk).

The people putting on this "Motorcycle Rally BBQ Skate Jam" (try saying that 5 times fast) seem to think so, too.

And this Resident Evil video game seems to think that they can do wheelies.

So maybe I'm all wet on the subject. What do you think?
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 * Left Hand Lance

How I Wish Zombies *Actually* Ate Pop Music
I forgive the bad singing voice because of the hilarity of the song.
 * 2010 05 6

*link*

However, I will NOT forgive the fact that the dude says that the zombie is "shambling" while we can see him running. Wheather you want a fast or slow zombie, at least be consistent, man!


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 * Johnny Pipes

A Tape By Any Other Name...(PART DEUX)

 * 2010 05 8

Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here! And this time I need a bib to keep the drool off my shirt. Why? Because we're talking about DUCT TAPE! Cue the angelic choirs! (Ahhhhhhh!)

So, consider all the different types of tapes we discussed earlier. Now throw them out the window! Duct tape beats all. It is strong! It is versatile! You can make a frickin' cannon from it!!! NASA itself used duct tape on the moon rover.The options are only limited by your imagination!

And in fighting zombies, you can use duct tape to create quick, simple barriers. You can plug holes in walls and soundproof rooms, keeping you undetectable. Need to keep things out of reach of zombies? Tape them to the wall or ceiling! Duct tape is strong enough to last for anything you can think of.

And remember what we were saying about the combinative nature of tape? Well, it's good to combine items. It's better to have them stay like that! Which is why duct tape is perfect! It's fiber mesh architecture means that your axe/water bottle hybrid will stay together through a long fight. Even if I just downed a a twofer of Red Bulls and am swinging it around like a madman.

So yeah. Duct tape! Buy it! Learn it! Love it. (But don't make love to it.)
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 * Gretchen Peregrine

The Best Place to Shoot a Zombie: A Brief Examination
I would not consider myself a "card-carrying member of the NRA", despite the fact that I do, in fact, have a membership card. I simply feel that if a person wants a gun to defend herself, and she is well in mind, it is her right to have one. It is to protect my investment and livelihood, then, that I purchased - and practise with - a gun. However, as we’re living in troubled times, I wanted to take this opportunity to look at the locations of the human body, in terms of where you should shoot, should this human be in fact, a zombie. Please refer to the following diagram:
 * 2010 05 10

1. Forehead/Cranium - There is a reason why the famous phrase is "Shoot them in the head." They may not do much thinking, but if you can destroy their primary motor cortex (which controls movement), you can shut them off permanently.

2. Jaw – Zombies don’t need to bite you in order to kill you.

3. Shoulders - if a bullet misses the artery passing through the shoulder, the damage done is easily dealt with. As such, not a great target.

4. Heart - For a normal human, the heart is a logical place to shoot. For a zombie, whose blood is not pumping, it’s totally ineffectual.

5. Abdomen - Like the heart, a zombie’s other internal organs are out of service. Save your bullet.

6. Hands - By far the most difficult shot you can take, due to the hands moving wildly about. If you're lucky, you will be able to incapacitate their hand, making it more difficult to catch you. This would indeed be impressive. But nobody in the world is lucky enough for that to happen to both hands.

7. Genitals - Gentlemen, keep your jokes to yourself and save your bullets.

8. Knees - If you have a high-caliber weapon, the knees are actually not a bad target. Should you actually blow apart the kneecap, you have a chance of dislocating the entire lower leg. This would cause the zombie to fall and slow them down even more.

9. Ankles – It would take some shot, but a hit would bring a zombie down, at least making it even slower. So, as you can see, the best advice is, indeed, to "Shoot them in the head!"
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 * Wallace Hertzog

Man versus zombie MMA at TIR?
So, I was watching some of the MMA [Mixed Martial Arts] fights, and it got me thinking: what if we just had basic human vs. zombie fights. And I don't mean like the stuff they do at Terror is Reality. I love TiR as much as anyone here, but usually the events involve some sort of barrier between the human and the zombie (the barrier being a weapon, or a helmet, or something). What I'm talking about is mono-on-mono fighting, in shorts and shoes and gloves.
 * 2010 05 12

I honestly wonder how well that would work. Think about it: this is going to be a battle where the contestant's very life is on the line. If that doesn't inspire some great, honest combat, I don't know what will. It also makes me wonder what type of fighter would have the best chance against a zombie: a boxer, a wrestler, a martial artist? What do you all think?

Also, if I made a petition to add cage fighting to Terror is Reality, would you sign it?
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 * Johnny Pipes

Sun Tzu Says: Know Thyself, Know Thy Enemy, Know Thy Tape
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
 * 2010 05 14

We've established that duct tape is the best zombie fighting tape. (Well, I've established it. But if you disagree, you're wrong.) Anyhoo, I figured it would be good to learn a little more about duct tape. Because knowledge is power!

Let's start with the name. Some people say that calling it "duck tape" is wrong. However, saying it's wrong is wrong! The US military actually used duct tape in WWII. But they called it "duck tape" because it was waterproof. Like a duck's coat of feathers!

After the war, they found that duck tape could be used for ducts. And other things! So the name shifted. If you want to avoid the duct/duck problem altogether, you could always use the sweet-ass German name: "Panzerband"! (That means "tank tape".) But how is it made? And what is it made of? For that, I'll pass the mic to another duct tape enthusiast!

So there you go! So now that you know a little of the history of duct tape, you can have a better appreciation for it when you use it against the undead.
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 * Left Hand Lance

ARE THEY A ZOMBIE: Johnny Pipes
Okay, here we go with the first installment of my ARE THEY A ZOMBIE? series. This time we'll be looking at our dear old friend johnny Pipes. Little knwon fact: JP was actually the one to come to me after the SMB died. he knew about my tech prowess, and so he calls up and says, "Let's make our own site." I was totally down with the idea. and that's what you see here with Tape It Or Die.
 * 2010 05 16

But even though Jp is one of my main men, that doesn't he is safe from my watchful zombie-catching eye. (full disclosure: i've never actually met JP in person. but we've interacted online and by phone enough that I feel like I'm educated enough to do this.) Now, let's get started with the comparison!


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 * Gretchen Peregrine

An Open Letter to My Customers regarding Zombrex
Dear Customers of the O Street Pharmacy,
 * 2010 05 19

I have worked for the last 4 years to make my store a success. And for the majority of those four years, I have served as the only employee. For 12 hours a day (minus a 30-minute lunch break), I have had to stand behind the counter, smiling at you while you rifle through my shelves and disorganize my products. I try to be polite when refusing you medicine due to your obviously-forged prescription paperwork. However, there are a few things which have been irking me lately.

Namely, regarding Zombrex. Namely, regarding you complaining nonstop about Zombrex. Every day I have to listen to your banal, iterative arguments that make no valid points.

Yes, Zombrex is an expensive product. No, I do not purposely mark up the cost by absurd amounts. All products in my store are marked up by 85%. And before you accuse me of being a terrible person, please know that, first of all, many pharmacies will mark up drugs by as high as 600%, and second, I need to make sure I cover my overhead. In any event, Zombrex is still expensive for all parties involved. Phenotrans had high R&D costs (and continue to have high production costs). This was passed on to the pharmacies, which is passed on to you. I'm sorry, but health is occasionally expensive. There are things the government can do to help pay, but the initiative needs to be yours. It is not my job to coddle you through this process.

Zombrex does not require a prescription; this is true. However, that does not mean you should buy my entire stock. You can come back at a later time to purchase more. I assure you, my shop will still be there next week, and the following week, et cetera. Please bear in mind that you are not the only individual in the world, and if someone else were to become a zombie because you feel you need 5 months supply "just in case," then there is something wrong with you. (And if you are not even infected: you make me especially sick.)

I'm very sorry Zombrex needs to be taken every 24 hours, but if you were to use your brain, you'd notice that I'm not an employee of Phenotrans, and I did not create the time restriction. If you're worried that you might sleep in past the deadline, don't take it in the morning. If you are occasionally preoccupied around noontime, then don't take it around noontime. Please, use some self-discipline. Make a plan, stick to it, and stop whining to the pharmacist.

I'm happy you love your pet. I have a pet cat named Snickerdoodle; I love him, too. However, you should not purchase Zombrex for your pet. First of all, Zombrex is made for human use, not animal use. You wouldn't put ibuprofen in Fluffy's kibble bowl, would you? You wouldn't grind up Ritalin and put it in your hamster's water bottle? Then why would you inject your animal with a human zombie drug. "Oh, I don't want Shnookims turning if he gets bitten." Forgive me for being blunt, but your parakeet's life is not worth the life of another human being.

In conclusion: the next time you feel like complaining to your friendly neighborhood pharmacist about all your terrible issues with Zombrex, please remember that your alternative is becoming a zombie. So kindly keep your idiot mouths shut.

Sincerely, Gretchen Peregrine

(P.S. If you are, in fact, one of my customers, I appreciate your patronage and hope to see you soon!)
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 * Johnny Pipes

Talk About a Bad Romance...

 * 2010 05 21

Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here. Today we're going to be talking about "love."

It's a well-known fact that the lady-folk cannot resist the Pipes. I was at a club the other weekend. A total 8.3 walked up to me. She was intrigued at my bar order of a Jack Daniels & Red Bull (minus the Jack Daniels). 3 cans and a dozen dances later, we were sitting on her couch. (Can't take her to my place. Too many projects everywhere.)

I tell her about TIOD, and my general interest in zombies. She is tipsy on a few white wine spritzers. She mistakes this for love. So she asks me: "Would you still love me if I were a zombie?"

Answer: no. Well, maybe. I'd say zombification knocks at least 2.5 points off of you. And that's right off the bat. Before further decay. So her, at 8.3, would be just on the threshold. It'd depend on where the most gore was. Some gore can be sexy, but positions need to be right. Really right.

(Ehhhh........)

But that got me thinking. What if we had specially engineered zombies? One which want to eat you, but cannot. Like, pull out their teeth and nails and other protrusions. Think about it! You have this mindless idiot that will shamble towards you regardless of how tired they are. They'll then try to bite you. But it's all tongue. And gums, I guess. Just make sure to point them in the right direction. To the right areas.

'Course, you'd have to be a crazy to want one of these. And a necrophile. I'm sure there's probably some crazy STDs living in walking corpses. I'm sure Gretchen could expand on that. (Speaking of Gretchen: you know I only have eyes for you, honey gums!) And then there's the looks thing again. I don't like to consider myself shallow, but jeez! Ladies who are fine enough to be second-base-able as a zombie: don't become a zombie. It'd be a terrible waste.
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 * Gretchen Peregrine

Staying Healthy, Staying in Shape, Staying Alive
I once had a friend named Ricky Lloyd.
 * 2010 05 25

He's dead now. He moved to Wilamette after college to pursue a career in water sanitation. A couple years after that, the outbreak happened. And Ricky died.

Furthermore, it was his own fault.

At College he used to bake and offer me cookies. I never accepted. In addition to not wanting to appear "easy", I also did not want to poison my body with high-sugar foods. So, instead of passing his cookies to other people on our floor, Ricky would eat them himself. All of them.

Ricky was unhealthy. He could hardly walk up a flight of stairs without breathing heavily; I doubt he could outrun a zombie mob for long. And so he is dead. A pinch upon the mountain of ashes that town has become.

So with that in mind. here are a few tips to make sure you are in tip-top shape to survive an outbreak and not swell the undead numbers.

First, stay active. I take a lap around Lincoln before opening the store for the day. I could probably fight a zombie if needed, and I can definitely outrun them for extended periods of time.

Second, increase your lung capacity, you will run faster, punch harder, carry more, and be a more hardy individual capable of fighting the dead.

Third, don't drink alcohol in excess. As I'm sure Wallace can attest to, you will become sick, and you may end up vomiting making you an easier target. It will also make you reckless and disoriented, unable to make wise decisions.

Fourth, eat and drink healthy foods. If you have a blender and/or juicer, you can make a variety of delicious and healthy juices, which always seem to be easier and more "fun" to consume than normal food.

All in all, the best advice is to care. Care about yourself and your health. Do not be like Ricky. Do not be dead. If you have any further tips to stay healthy, I would appreciate them being put in the comments.


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 * Wallace Hertzog

A Post About a Zombie-Killing Bike
I've already talked about motocycles themed around zombies, and motorcycles which zombies ride, but what about the opposite side of things? What about motorcycles designed for fighting zombies?
 * 2010 05 30

Ever since the Willamette outbreak, I don't think there's been a single person outside CURE who hasn't even given a glancing thought to how they can take down a zombie.

We all know about Slicecycles. In fact, it was the Slicecycles event at Terror is Reality VII that got me interested in Terror is Reality, and hell, zombies in general (I was admittedly pretty late to the game). They're simple but effective, and I'd love to start building my own (by incorporating the chainsaw mechanisms into the machinations of the bike engine itself).

But here's a different kind of zombie-fighting bike. This hog was made for the video game series Resident Evil and has sharp edges galore, so don't touch your monitor when looking.

Seeing this really makes me want to start drafting again (for those who don't remember, I was originally studying to be a automotive draftsman, but I soon found out I was better with the wrench than with the pencil.)

That is a thing of beauty. I only wish I could see and/or ride it in real life. I doubt even a 1%er would even think of starting something with me then.

Get that zombie off of there! He should be in front!

I don't play video games, so I don't understand the relevance of these items. What does hair spray have to do with zombies?

What I like about the sharp (ha!) design of the bike is that if it were to ever break down, you could just pull it apart and use each piece as a weapon. Hell, even that exhaust pipe looks like it could double as a shotgun (for blowing up heads!).

Unfortunately, I think they missed a real opportunity in these promotional shots by not using real zombie heads and other body parts. Rubber heads are good and all, but you cannot really get the visceral feeling (or *smell*) of blood and gut.

I like how upset this zombie looks at her situation. Like a chicken at the chopping block!

I do have a few concerns about the bike. Well, one major concern. If you look in the middle of the handlebars, you'll see a few metal blades. Facing inwards. Inwards. Let me just say, if you were to have any sort of crash where you move forward, well...don't get too attached to your heart.

But I guess it's even worse on slicecycles - where doing hand signals can cause instant amputation - so I s'pose it's a draw.

Images from here, here and here!


 * - valign=topstyle="background-color:#DFDFDF"

June

 * Month of June
 * - valign=top
 * Left Hand Lance
 * - valign=top
 * Left Hand Lance

"...But you don't have to take MY word for it."
You know, just because I watch a lot of movies, play a lot of games, and read some comics, that doesn't mean i'm not well-rounded. i also read books! Well, I read SOME books. So I figured I should share three of my favorite modern authors of zombie literature. Maybe we can start reading together, like Oprah's book club, but with fewer ovaries.
 * 2010 06 3


 * David Moody

okay, i don't want anybody giving me crap about this one. Moody and his Autumn series seem to tickle people in every way imaginable. Seriously, i don't think i've ever seen a case on Amazon where the votes are almost evenly split between all 5 star ratings before Autumn. But regardless, i think that at the end of the day, they're pretty good. I have my own problems with it (I think the speed at which their apocaluypse happens is way, waaaay too fast, even in context).

But the things he focuses on are so unique for a zombie book. Its less about the bloody gore and freaky images - which, really, is where the movies are better than books anyway - and more about the psychology and the human condition. And, if that's not good enough for you, the books are free online. so you don't lose anything (save your time) by reading them.


 * Seth Grahame-Smith

I know what you're thinking: "who?" This is a a guy who i think is on his way to the top, even if he IS climbing upon the shoulders of already established writers. his most famous work at the moment is Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. And it is built off the original P&P, which was written by Jane austen. I HATE jane austen! Hate hate hate. in fact, the movie version of P&P is the only Keira Knightly movie that I didn't see (and yes, that includes both love Actually and Domino).

But the adddition of zombies changes everythign. Suddenly, you have a book that's not just about love and old-timey feminism, but rather about what the hell the brits (especially those Victorian Regency-era Brits) would do if zombies existed at the time. Its stupid, yes, but it's a FUN kind of stupid. You may not be enlightened, but you will be entertained. I only wish his follow-up book, Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter, stuck with zombies and not, ya know, vampires. (Also, Ben Winters wrote a thematic sequel called Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters. I haven't read it, but come on, people, no more Austen!)


 * Max Brooks

if I were a woman, i would want max brooks to father my children. This guy is, like, the Isaac Asimov of zombie literature. not only does he provide good narratives, but he also talks about zombies in a very kinda thoughtful way. like the way Asimov has his robot laws, Brooks can describe the traits of zombies (even if they're not really true to life (but I can forgive that, since he wrote the handbook before the outbreak)).

The only problem with Brooks, though, is figuring out which of his books is the better one. The Zombie Survival Guide is a classic, and its written both well and practically. Consider the fact that it was written for pure enjoyment, well BEFORE the Willamette outbreak, and yet it is actually one of the most useful - and publicly recommended - books available today regarding zombies. at the same time, it is incredibly enjoyabel and fun. Perfect bathroom reading. On the other hand, World War Z is much darker and more serious. There are a few laughs here and there (especially when he riffs on himself), but for the most part, it is intense and gripping and oh-so-good, even if all the encounters it talks about are fictional.

and if reading's not your thing, at LEAST get the audiobook forWorld War Z. It has some of the best voice acting I know of, including Mark freakin' Hammill. Yes, the Joker himself is talking about zombies.

But anyway, you should read one of these, if only to get your parents off your back about not enriching your mind enough.
 * - valign=top
 * Wallace Hertzog

Rumors about the new TiR
So, Terror is Reality XVI is just about to come up. Personally, I'm not a fan. "Dead, White, and Blue"? Politicians fighting zombies? While I'd be in favor of some of our congressional members being eaten up, I doubt that will happen, because everyone is saying that there will be snipers to protect the politicians.
 * 2010 06 6

Sounds craptacular, if you ask me.

But one things that's making me not completely lose my faith in humanity are some rumors I've been hearing. Namely, rumors about TiR XVII. And while my father would always liken rumors to herpes ("you cannot spread them without getting effed up yerself"), I honestly can say that I love them.

So, here's the dirt:

-TiR XVII is not going to have any gimmicks! No animals, so "beach parties", no politicians.

-It's title is going to be "Payback". -This one is more speculation on my buddies' and my part than actual rumor, but we think that the name refers to the contestants wanting to "pay back" zombies. Does that mean that they're survivors? (My guess is they're all from Wilamette, but Tony (the shop's counterman) thinks they're from all the outbreaks.)

Exciting stuff! I think I may become as giddy about this TiR as I was about the very first one I watched! How about y'all? What do you think: real or fake?
 * - valign=top
 * Left Hand Lance

My Project Plans (In the Form of a Chat Log)
lefthandlance (11:35:12 AM): jp! my man!
 * 2010 06 10 lefthandlance (11:35:12 AM): jp! my man!

JohnnyPipes81 (11:35:22 AM): Hey Lefty!

JohnnyPipes81 (11:35:24 AM): How's it going?

JohnnyPipes81 (11:35:26 AM): How was your Friday?

JohnnyPipes81 (11:35:30 AM): I totally met an 8 at the bar last night.

lefthandlance (11:36:01 AM): anyway, i had a good friday. played some Settlers of catan with buds.

lefthandlance (11:36:16 AM): but i'm trying to spend the weekend doing something cool.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:36:18 AM): Good idea.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:36:21 AM): Doing lame stuff is lame.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:36:24 AM): Like some of the stuff you do.

lefthandlance (11:36:27 AM): i wanna MAKE something.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:36:31 AM): Oh, now that's definitely cool.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:36:35 AM): Be sure to come to me if you need anything.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:36:36 AM): Tools.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:36:36 AM): Tape.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:36:37 AM): Raw materials.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:36:37 AM): Advice.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:36:39 AM): Moral and emotional support.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:02 AM): Anyway, what are you building?

JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:03 AM): Weapon?

JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:03 AM): Trap?

JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:05 AM): Some kind of drink dispenser?

lefthandlance (11:37:12 AM): not building. MAKING.

lefthandlance (11:37:16 AM): IPhone app

JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:18 AM): What?

JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:19 AM): Boo!

JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:21 AM): Make something tangible, man!

JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:23 AM): What could you possible do on an iPhone.

lefthandlance (11:37:24 AM): its about zombies.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:26 AM): Yes, I assumed that.

lefthandlance (11:37:40 AM): it's a unique idea.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:42 AM): Yes, I'm sure.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:43 AM): Lemme guess...

JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:46 AM): It's called the iZombie.

lefthandlance (11:37:51 AM): ...yes, actually.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:37:59 AM): I bet you there's already a zombie app on there.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:38:03 AM): http://iphoneapplicationlist.com/?s=zombie&x=0&y=0

JohnnyPipes81 (11:38:06 AM): There's, like, a thousand.

lefthandlance (11:38:10 AM): mine's gonna be diff.

lefthandlance (11:38:19 AM): its gonna tell you if someone is a zombie.

lefthandlance (11:38:23 AM): and the best way to kill em.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:38:27 AM): Send them Johnny Pipes' way.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:38:36 AM): But anyhoo, how's that supposed to work?

lefthandlance (11:38:43 AM): takes picture.

lefthandlance (11:38:48 AM): analyzes it for zombification.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:38:51 AM): You need to analyze if someone's a zombie?

JohnnyPipes81 (11:38:53 AM): If so, you deserve to die.

lefthandlance (11:38:56 AM): then tries to find a weak spit.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:38:58 AM): How long's this gonna take?

lefthandlance (11:38:58 AM): weak SPOT

lefthandlance (11:39:09 AM): shouldnt be more than a few seconds, if it works well.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:39:12 AM): Well, hopefully you don't need a closeup picture.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:39:14 AM): Then it's not really an issue anymore.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:39:25 AM): .......

JohnnyPipes81 (11:39:27 AM): I'm implying that you'll be bitten.

lefthandlance (11:39:30 AM): i have some school projects, but shouldn't take more than a couple weeks to finish.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:39:36 AM): And you better make sure it doesn't give false positives.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:39:40 AM): You don't want anybody's innocent head being lopped off.

lefthandlance (11:39:45 AM): have some faith in my abilities. i DID build tiod from scratch.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:39:45 AM): Actually, that'd be hilarious.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:39:48 AM): "Oh no! This says Gramma's a zombie!"

JohnnyPipes81 (11:39:51 AM): "Those liver spots are actually open sores!"

JohnnyPipes81 (11:39:53 AM): "Get the chainsaw!" lefthandlance (11:39:54 AM): lol

lefthandlance (11:39:58 AM): trust me, it'll be good.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:40:00 AM): Let me know how it turns out.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:40:10 AM): Anyhoo, gotta go.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:40:11 AM): Just got a call.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:40:13 AM): Some chick's sink is flooding.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:40:15 AM): She sounds young.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:40:15 AM): And hot.

JohnnyPipes81 (11:40:17 AM): See you on the flip side.

JohnnyPipes81 signed off at 11:40:18 AM

lefthandlance (11:40:19 AM): latez. (On a side note: i have NEVER been able to put in my last word before jp logs off. I gotta start prepping for it.)
 * - valign=top
 * Wallace Hertzog

The Poker Game at the "Bigger in Texas" Barbeque
I would like to sincerely thank everyone who showed up to the "Bigger in Texas" barbecue this past weekend. It's just like my father used to tell me, even if you end up face down on the couch with a bucket next to you, there is nothing better than spending time with good friends.
 * 2010 06 15

I think what made this barbecue all the more fun is that we had a poker tournement. I used to play Hold'em all the time back when I was in college. Buy in with my day's wages at the shop, hopefully come out on top. Still haven't lost my touch, if you ask me. But I will say that I was shocked (in the best way possible) when Kenneth ("PaleOn" on the old SMB forums) brought out these:

That's right, zombie poker chips. You should have heard the squeal of delight from the group. I'm not sure where these came from, but if Kenneth is reading this, please tell me! [UPDATE: LHL highjacking this post to let you know this set is called the 'zombie poker tour' can be bought here.] There were even some moments when people would cry out "Braaaaaiiiiiinnnnsssss!!!" as they reached for the dealer chip.

I won the game, but I didn't win any money (we were playing for our de-meated pork ribs). So my tips to all of you:

-Wearing sunglasses or a hat is not a replacement for skill. If anything, you get too confident and the rest of your body gives away your intentions. -In my experience, the best strategy is to not appear like you have a strategy. Be unpredictable. If you are usually defensive, make a few unnecessarily aggressive plays, and vice versa. You'll confuse (if not annoy) you're opponents, but in the end, you'll have the pot, so who the hell cares?

-If you're playing against a zombie, they will always match you, regardless of whether you raise or check. So if you have a good hand, raise, raise, raise!

That last one was a joke. If you're in range of a zombie, yo should kill them, not play poker.


 * - valign=top
 * Johnny Pipes

TOID Ideas From the Past! Without 1.21 Jiggawatts! Or 88mph!

 * 2010 06 23

Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!

Here’s an interesting fact - maybe a shocking fact!

I actually am not the first Johnny Pipes.

It’s true! Johnny Pipes Plumbing was around well before I ever donned the moniker. Turns out, it was named after John Oppenheimer. He was the original owner of the company.

No, that’s not actually a picture of him. (I never met the guy. Don’t know what he looks like.) But it very well could be. Look at the skill and strength in his hands! The steely resolve in his eyes. A true symbol of everything Johnny Pipes Plumbing stands for. And a symbol everything I stand for as the current title holder.

Why do I bring this up? Well, Phillip just recently showed me one of his performance evaluations. One that Johnny Pipes the Elder wrote for him. (Phillip is my plumbing mentor, by the way.) In the general notes section, there was a little scribble about taping together a old air compressor can and some narrow piping to help blow out clogs for cheap.

Hot damn, the man was crafty! And he loved tape! I developed an immediate man-crush on the spot. I also went to the local junkyard and picked up an air compressor. (The one near Costa Mesa should give you a 20% discount if you tell him Johnny Pipes sent you!) Taped it up to some uneeded copper tubing. And whammo! Works like a charm.

Next stop: the toy store, where I bought about a dozen packs of jacks. You know, that game kids haven’t played for like the last 10 years. Those little metal dealies fit great inside the tube. And when you use a single, all-out burst, it’s like a janky shotgun.

I used my standby test object (a slab of roast) as a target. Let me tell you, those jacks just tore right through the meat. Then got stuck on my kitchen wall.

On Johnny Pipes scale of effectiveness, 0-10, I give this baby a 7. Not sure how well they work against bone. Still, you could probably get a jack or two into the eye socket. I can see it bouncing around the skull a bit. Good times!

So thanks, Johnny Pipes the Elder. You’re an inspiration to everyone at TIOD.
 * - valign=top
 * Left Hand Lance

your Zombie LOL for the day - Dinosaur comica
so, when i was writing about how zombies trump vampires, JP posted a link to this comic. Now, if you've never been on Dinosaur comics (aka QWANTZ) before, its one of the funniest comics out there, especially considering the art never changes. (I should really use it in my communications classes as an example of.......something).
 * 2010 06 26

Anyhoo, it never occured to me that i could search it, much less that i could search it for some zombie-related lulz. So here we go (you may have to click on the picture to see it full-size. Some of the text is teeny tiny)!

But all this makes me want is more - like DINOSAUR ZOMBIES!!!


 * - valign=topstyle="background-color:#DFDFDF"

July

 * Month of July
 * Month of July


 * - valign=top
 * Left Hand Lance

tthis is imrsportantssuf
aw shiy, i'mt ottally wasted.m totallllllly mssde up. but i nede too writeabout thsisis befoe i forgot.
 * 2010 07 02

so teh boyssssssay adf me hada nighti in thet own. natyy lits, stipeeers, adnd some setleeers ofnnnnnnncatan... shiytttttttt btutt wjat if therrr's XZOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMBIEIIISSS IN CAtan.

steeevn said hthat

i say senedd tjem to ttteheh deseert. NMOO RESOCURCES THEER1111 TNEY DIKE1111

hsit.////shiirtm,,,,, okym oaky, tip formt he,leftha nds l;andce

dontt ddrink to faasrt. nuo funn. s sick - canut eejnoy hooorekrs. or kilill the ozimbies. sende htem tio the sesert. no resoruusces

ffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuu

wjehres the possssst bottun 6 tlbj nbhjjjjjjjjy
 * - valign=top
 * Johnny Pipes

Apparently Wallace's info was right! TiR XVIII is called "Payback"!
And the Twins are back! Hot damn!
 * 2010 07 8

But more than that, there's a new event! Happy times! Check it! There's also a new event at this TiR! It's called 'Zomboni'. Sounds good, but looks even better! Take a look!

Not too shabby! I think Wallace may be right: this may be a Terror is Reality to remember!


 * - valign=top
 * Johnny Pipes

New Site Look! New Features! New Weapon! New New New!
VIDEO does not work 
 * 2010 07 8

Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!

Notice anything different? You should! After all, the sites changed! New stuff all around! A new-ish, sexy-ish look! A blog archive system that actually works! Hot damn!

A moment of silence for Lefty's programming fingers. I think they type-typed themselves to death.

.......

Oh yeah! We also have a new feature! Look at the nav bar. Look at it! See where it says "My Profile"? That's the new feature. We like you. We want to know about you. And we want to make it easy to comment. So you just sign up, and you get your own profile page. It talks about you. Has a picture. It's like social networking, but with more tape! And fewer creepy old men.

There'll be more. Oh, yes, there'll be more to do. More interactivity! More fun! But that comes later. Baby steps, you know. Lefty's hands need to go through rehab. Then it gets really fun.

Oh! Other stuff!

Inspiration! It comes in the most interesting places. I was watching a movie the other day. Last of the Mohicans. Daniel Day-Lewis. (That guy who only acts every couple of years. He drinks your milkshake.) Exciting stuff! Battles. Scalpings. Funny pronunciations of the word "Yankee."

And then there's bows and arrows! I love those. They're like guns, but more intimidating. I mean, a gun will get you a hole in your body. An arrow will get you a hole in your body, with a shaft sticking out! And then you can have a bunch of arrows shot at once. That gets you the whole "blotting out the sun" thing.

But arrows have one problem. While awesome, they aren't always deadly. Bullets can travel roughly 3,000 feet a second. (Don't ask how I know.) That can do enough damage to kill by itself. You may not even need a headshot. But even the fastest arrows will only go about 300 feet/second. That's one-tenth the oomph! for your buck. Not so hot. So how do we ensure that you kill what you hit?

Answer: explosives!

Beautiful, ain't it? I call it the Blambow. Now, your bow and arrows won't go, "Plink. Thunk. Plink. Thunk." It'll instead goes "Plink. Thunk. BOOM!!! Plink. Thunk. BOOM!!!"

I bet there'd still be more than one Mohican left if they came up with this bad boy. Hell, they'd have probably conquered Europe by this point. Not sure I'd be able to conquer continents myself. Maybe just small groups of people zombies will have to do!

Plink. Thunk. BOOM!!! Ha HA!


 * - valign=top
 * Wallace Hertzog

I have Terror is Reality Tickets
My daddy always used to say to me "Good things may come to those who wait, but great things come to those who get off their ass and do something about it." I like to think that I proved him right today. We've been talking quite a bit about the new Terror is Reality recently, and so I've kept my ear to the ground at all times for any news. Well, hogtie my chickens if I didn't find some!
 * 2010 07 09

One of my local radio stations had a call-in contest where you could actually win tickets to see TiR XVII. All you had to do was be the 40th person to call in and answer a trivia question.

The question: What was the name of the first female TiR winner?

That's a pretty easy question if you know anything about the show's history. So now, it was just a matter of being the 40th caller. Like a damn fool, I called on my cell phone, and called on my work phone, and used the Skype program we have on our front desk computer. I had to do this a couple of times on each, until I finally heard, "Hello, you're on the JZB Morning Show."

Long story short, I now own two tickets to Terror is Reality XVII. I'm thrilled as pie! But now I'm left with a question: which of my Tape It Or Die friends should I bring along?
 * - valign=top
 * Left Hand Lance

why I deserve to go to TIR
okay, it's been a while since I last wrote somethig. You know why? It's because i've been busting my ass working on the backend of this site, trying to make it godly. and goddammit, i have!
 * 2010 07 12

Loook at this place! it used to look like crap, but mah boi Jamie and I worked together to design something that looks like it could have been made by a video game comapny or something.

So Wallace, you wanna know WHY i deserve to be the one you take to fortune city with you. How about because I do most of the goddam grunt work around here. i built the site from scratch, i rebuilt it from scratch, i mod the comments, I deal with the goddamn hosting service and that bee-otch "Rebecca from customer service" in particular.

JP - while i love JP - He came up with the idea for the site, but he hardly manages the administrative work. he just thinks it RUNS ITSELF. Aside from that, he will drop you as soon as you start boring him. and when a dude has to drink, what is it, 8 red bulls a day, you know it doesnt take much to get him bored. You;ll go to Fortune city with him, and he will ditch you for some hooker.

gretchen, no offense to her, but she doesn't do anything for the site. Okay, she pays for the hosting, but i'm sure we'd be able to find a way without her. and from what i've seen, she is such an ice queen that you'll be so awkward the whole trip.

and Wallace, i got nothing against you. ^_^

SECOND, nobody knows TiR better than me. Not even you! you started watching partway through. I was there in the beginning, when everyone thought Hogan Payne was going to be killed. Then they thought he was the end-all-be-all of zombie killing before Killer Kyle showed up.

seriously, ask me anything!

When were slicecycles brought in? (TIR VII)

What was the subtitle for TIR XII? (infinite carnage)

which contestant was the most controversial of all time (Liz horikawa)

ask me more! i'll answer it! Nobody knows the event better than me. Nobody would appreciate it more than me!

THIRD, i'm going to be turning 21 before TIR xvii. This'll be my first chance to get legally wasted. I know JP and Gretchen both don't drink, so who are you gunna party with? Left Hand Lance, that's who! So let's go get drunk together and watch zombies get killed, pal!


 * - valign=top
 * Johnny Pipes

Kindly Ignore That Post. The One Directly Below This One.
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
 * 2010 07 14

Rebuttal time! Namely, rebuttal against Lefty's post. And this is serious. I'm reaching out to Wallace here. Well, also all of you. But mostly Wallace. He has the tickets, after all.

I'll be blunt: I'm the reason you're here.

Okay, I should qualify that. I'm not trying to say that I'm the main attraction at Tape it Or Die. That would be the Tape. Or the zombies. Whichever, it's just not any of us.

However!

I am the founder of the site. I formed it in my own image and likeness. I'm kind of like God. Regardless! Notice the site is not called "Zombies and Motorcycles." It's not called "The Medical Nature of the Undead." It's not called "ZoMg LoOk At mE i CaNt CaPiTilIzE CoRrEcTly.

" It's "Tape It Or Die."

I say this to you, Wallace. Without me, you wouldn't be here. You would be sitting, alone, at home. Or in your shop. Either way, alone.

Let me summarize: If it weren't for me, you wouldn't be in this situation. You wouldn't have a community. You wouldn't have the friends you do to fight over your tickets. As such, I should go to TiR. If nothing else, it's repayment.

Besides, I'm the most fun of all of us. And I can guarantee you at least one lady-folk. Unpaid lady-folk. Johnny Pipes usually gets up to three in a trip. I can spare one.

And last but not least, you;ll get half off of all my plumbing and handyman services. (Remember, that's (949) 478-3949!) So make the smart choice, Wallace. The responsible choice. The right choice! Choose Johnny Pipes!
 * - valign=top
 * Gretchen Peregrine

This is Embarrassing
I am truly disappointed with all of you.
 * 2010 07 16

Wallace - You waved those tickets at our face like piece of meat dangling before a pack of starving wolves. You're the oldest amongst us, and you're acting like a first-grader goading kindergartners into a pile of mud. I don't know what is the more miserable scenario: that you couldn't imagine that offering one ticket to three people wouldn't inspire such in-fighting; or that you knew perfectly well, and did so anyway.

Johnathon, Lance - You showed no restraint in making complete asses of yourselves. While the prospect of attending Terror is Reality is an exciting one, you proceeded to throw out your dignity. For the love of God, we just revamped the site less than a week ago, and now you're willing to let it crumble because of your petty arguments. You two are, quite simply, pathetic.

Everyone else - You helped propagate this behavior through your inflamatory remarks and your additional desire to have the tickets yourselves, despite the fact that Wallace was referring to one of the bloggers. Had you attempted to act rationally, this entire situation may have been defused.

But, as so often seems to be the case, it comes down to me to clean up your mess. So be it.

I have spent some of my own money to purchase two additional tickets to Terror is Reality. In case you troglodytes have forgotten how to count, that means we now have four tickets. That means we're all going to the event. No fighting, no bickering needed.

Now, part of me wants to ask that we split the ticket cost four ways, but I have my sincere doubts that I'd be paid. So consider your tickets free, boys. But you are going to have to purchase your own airfare.
 * - valign=top
 * Wallace Hertzog

A Post on Gambling in Fortune City
I kind of regret the commotion I cause last week. I swear to God, I didn't expect it to get that hot under the collar. But like my daddy always told me, "You put a match in a fuel tank, you better expect an explosion." So that was my fault.
 * 07 19 2010
 * PHOTO

But that's all settled now, and we're all going to be able to head off to Fortune City! Aside from Terror is Reality, you know what I'm most excited about when we get there?

Gambling!

What was it, 3 years ago, maybe 4? Either way, I remember when Las Vegas burned to the ground. I remember hearing on the radio at my shop, pretty damn distinctly, seeing as they stopped the Brooks and Dunn song "Play Something Country" in the middle of the song. Then some news anchor said, "Las Vegas is gone."

After a moment of silence that was broken by Steve's wrench falling onto the tool chest and making a hell of a racket, there was obviously a lot of hubbub in the garage. And while it seemed like everyone was simply crapped out by the loss of life, I had one other thought on my mind: "What about the casinos?" Yes, that probably makes me a terrible person. But I've already talked about how gambling's played a part in my life, so damn it to hell, I was upset. My holy land was gone.

So the gambling in Fortune City sparks up my interest all the more. I don't know what kind of time I'll have, but I plan on mainly focusing on the tables. I may be small potatoes compared to some of the professionals out there, but I can still hold my own in a game of Texas Hold'em.

Not so much for slot machines myself. They just seem too sterile for me. There's no interaction with other living people. On the other hand, you have those massive feature machines. Those things are like slot machines on steroids. Take a look if you don't understand what I mean.

The best part about it is, they're big enough that you can play with other people, and help each other out. That's what machines should do: bring people together, not isolate them. That's why any good motocycle can comfortably fit two people, despite bikes' solitary look.

So I think I'll stick with poker, both normal poker and the poker feature machine. It should be great fun! Think about it: if you can watch some zombies get killed in the most insane ways possible, and then win back your travel money, it would be one hell of a trip
 * - valign=top
 * Gretchen Peregrine

An Examination of Fortune City Hotels
I'm taking it upon myself to begin looking for lodging while we are in Fortune City, seeing as Terror is Reality is less than a month away. I wouldn't be surprised if all the best deals have already been taken by now, but we'll see what we can manage to acquire. Looking at the Fortune City Website, I was able to find some information on the various hotels in the region, and I thought it would behoove us all if I posted some pros and cons about each of the 5 most prominent malls.
 * 2010 07 21


 * Yucatan

Pros: Has a tropical jungle theme (which I admittedly was skeptical of at first, as I normally associate the Yucatan with the plains where the Mayan pyramids were built, but apparently there is a jungle, so I suppose I am wrong in that regard). Moderately priced for the most part.

Cons: On the other side of the city from the Arena, meaning that travel time to and from TiR will be about as long as it can be.


 * Atlantica

Pros: By far the classiest and most luxurious of the hotels. Has an underwater theme, which a midwestern girl like myself is always drawn to. There is also a jacuzzi in every single room.

Cons: Luxury, as it should, comes with a price. The Atlantica is easily the most expensive of the hotels. A quick price check has shown that there is nothing available under $400 a night. I didn't get to where I am by making extravagant purchases.


 * Americana

Pros: Has a hometown, blue-collar American feel. Is home to "Bennie Jack's BBQ Shack", which is apparently world-famous, despite the fact that it's only a year-and-a-half old. It is also right next to the Fortune City Arena.

Cons: I spent my childhood trying to get away from blue-collared "common folk" (by which I mean my parents, among others). I refuse, 15 years later, to surround myself with them.


 * Fortune City Hotel

Pros: Middle-of-the road price.

Cons: It actually has its own shopping mall, which may sound like a pro, but I've spent a good portion of my life staying out of malls, because of the addictive and destructive nature of compulsive shopping. I fear if I went into the mall, I'd end up as poor as Lance.


 * Slot Ranch

Pros: Inexpensive, and close to the Royal Flush Plaza.

Cons: There is a reason it is inexpensive. Many of the reviews I've seen have skewed negative. The worst, albeit most hilarious in a schadenfreude manner, that I've read is in regards to a snake, of all things, entering into someone's room through a visible mouse hole.

I have yet to make a final decision, but I am leaning towards the Yucatan. Of course, I will only be paying for my own lodging. In terms of costs, its every woman (or man, I suppose) for herself. I am just writing this as a quick guide to the options, so that all the Tapers here who are going to TiR XVII have a smarter idea of where they'll be staying.

Has anyone had any experiences with any of these places? Please let me know. Also, this would probably be a good place to discuss any arrangements you'd like to make.
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 * Wallace Hertzog

Slicecycles are Back in True Form

 * 2010 07 23

Of all the things that are getting me excited about the new Terror is Reality, probably the most exciting is the return of Slicecycles in their pure, unadulterated form. If you don't understand why this is important, let me give you a little backstory.

When the first zombie outbreak occurred, I didn't believe it. Just didn't. I thought it was an elaborate hoax or, even worse, some damned form of viral marketing meant to promote a movie or a game or some such garbage. I think my skepticism comes from my father's side of the family: my grandpappy would always say "I ain't gunna believe a fox has gotten into the house until I've been bitten on the ass!" (We never actually had foxes around our home, so I don't know where that came from.)

The point of the story is, I didn't believe in the zombies at first. And I pretty much continued to disbelieve them until my cousin Richie died in the Las Vegas outbreak. I didn't know Richie very well, so I wasn't heartbroken, but still, it's at that kind of moment you think "Shit, maybe this is for real.

" But that's about the extent of my concern. "There's a zombie outbreak. Oh, well." It's just like swine flu or bird flu or any of those other flues. It's somewhere else, and so long as it stays somewhere else, I'm unaffected." And, for about 3 years, I just didn't care much for

That changed when I saw this:

That is a fully-modified IJIEK 772c Racing Bike (Second-Half 2004 Model), reverse-engineered to incorporate a low center of gravity (LCG) muffler design, a sixteen-valve, 4-stroke, DOHC engine, and, of course, a twin pair of chainsaws and 4 radial blades, attached to a separate engine located within the front fairing. In short, it is a thing of beauty.

Carl, one of the guys at my garage, showed me a picture of this in the week leading up to TiR VII. It was a novel concept at the time; the only reason it was initially incorporated was because all the contestants of that event had a Class M License. Hell, when Carl showed me, I thought it was just some fantasy bike, one that couldn't actually function. But no, it was real, and it was used to cut zombies up.

At that point, I became interested in zombies. And everyone thought Slicecycles were the best thing since sliced (ha!) bread. But as I'm sure a lot of you remember, there have been changed made to make Slicecycles safer and more humane and a lot of other bull that basically made them something they're not supposed to be. And the less said about TiR XVI, the better.

So, now that the original Slicecycle design is here - hopefully to stay - this seems like it's going to be one hell of a show for everyone involved!
 * - valign=top
 * Left Hand Lance

KINGS and paupers on the street, shootin' their bullets to MATCH THE BEAT

 * 2010 07 26

Ya know the numer one reason i love Terror is Reality?

that's simple: zombies. Thats the number one reason ANYONE likes TIR. and if they tell you otherwise, they're lying. people watch to see zombies get brutally destroyed in new and interesting ways.

but the number TWO reason I love TIR? this man:  HAIL TO THE KING, BABEE!!!

that's right, Tyrone King, the big TK, the FACE of Terror is reality!

Thing is, i actually liked TK BEFORE tir started. I remember back when he was still in music. hell, i STILL listen to "Long live the King", even after all this time (if the lyrics I used to title this post weren't evident enough). it's still fresh and hot; imho one of the best hip-hop albums since Rum DMC's Raising Hell. if you didn't listen to it, or were one of the haters at the time, give it another shot. It's really good.

And then there was Kingtone Records. jesus, all the talent he signed up with that. Connorboy, Trif, the element, Sultry Q, the list goes on and on. and YES, he did put Dapper Records, YRN, and Schmitty Sounds out of business through "unsportsmanlike" practices. but that's the jungle, boys! gotta stay on your toes if ya wanna survive (literally, in some cases) in the biz!

Awwwwwww, YEEYAAH!!! now, i don't know if their relationship is purely professional, or purely platonic, or whatevs, but DAYUM, if I were TK, i would be totally be boning the twins every single night. The only question is which one would get my upper half, and which would get my lower half (if you know what I mena).

now, maybe I'm not the best catch in the sea. I am a proud geek, play settler sof Catan on a weekly basis, and filled my sister's old room with movie props. but COME ON! there needs to be at least one chick who won't ask for a check! so hopefully, I'll get to meet up with TK, and maybe he will be in a generous mood. Maybe he will even offer one of the twins! and if I'm REALLY lucky, maybe Milla will be there, and all over me.

.........wat, i can dream, cannot I?
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 * Johnny Pipes

Politics. Zombies! Bears! Oh My! (Except No Actual Bears!)
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
 * 2010 07 27

Long time no talk! So let's talk now. In fact, let's talk TiR! Now, Wallace may not want to talk about Terror is Reality XVI. That's fine. That's his thing. But it's still an elephant. And it's in the room. So it looks like Johnny Pipes will have to talk about it

. I'll admit, I was intrigued at first. "Dead, White, and Blue." A nice pun. I like puns. And having the politicians fighting zombies. That could have been wonderful! But I was thinking wrong. I was thinking about old-timey politicians. Like, the kind that would beat each other. I'd put a picture up if I knew who it was.

[LHL edit: it was preston brooks and Charles sumner, and BAM:]

But yeah! Fighting politicians! Should have been good! Yeah!

Yeah!

No!

First problem! Three of the four contestants were Representatives! Nobody gives a damn about them! The Senate is what matters! Yet no Senators! What's up with that?

To sum up my previous point: why no Obama/McCain/Clinton/Cheney matchup? (Personally, I think Cheney would've won. Shooting skills and all.)

Second problem! Charity! Why the hell did the winnings go to charity? Sorry, orphans! The point of TiR is to have people compete for monetary enrichment! If you're playing for someone else, you cannot care! "Oh, it's okay, that money's not for me." No sense of involvement. And besides, would those orphans want the money if they knew where it came from? I mean, it's blood money. You don't donate blood money to charity.

Third problem! Softies! They're all softies! The snipers on overwatch in every single round kept things safe for the politicians! And dull for everyone else! Seriously! If you want excitement, there needs to be danger! Or at least the illusion of danger! And let's not forget Wally's beloved Slicecycles. Each with their own enclosure. There were cages on the Slicecycles! the contestants not even accidentally cut each other open! Nor could they even be touched by the zombies should they crash! You might as well have had them controlling robots!

Actually, no. Robots would have been much more interesting.

So, yeah! TiR XVI: you were lame!

TapeCat certainly does not approve. (Not actually TapeCat.)
 * - valign=top
 * Wallace Hertzog

Comparing the Terror is Reality Contestants
Around the garage, the boys and I like to make bets about who is going to win the next TiR event. What makes this more fun than, say, betting on a basketball, is the fact that you have no idea in Hell who these people are, really. Like, when I say, "Oh, yeah, the Spurs are going to kick the Nets' ass," that's not much of a guess; you need only look at the records and you have an idea of who's the better team.
 * 2010 07 27

But TiR is different. You have normal people being put into a situation they may have never even imagined before. There aren't records for that. So how are we to judge? Gut instinct of course. Well, and a bit of the old Google search to see if they look like they have the right stuff.

So this time, I thought I'd pass this wager to the blog. If anyone wants to make a bet, let's take a look at what the contestant profiles are (and remember, as per the theme "Payback," all of these are survivors).

Chuck Greene: Damn, this one came out of nowhere. I actually thought it might have been referring to someone else, but no, it is *the* Chuck Greene. Maybe not the most recognizable of names to non-bikers, but this guy was a two-time National Motocross Champ before the Las Vegas outbreak. Honestly, I thought he died. I mean, he hasn't raced - not professionally, at least - in years. But it looks like only his wife died, and so he and his daughter are on their own.

With Slicecycles coming back into the forefront, those motocross skills will definitely come in handy.

Odds: 5:1

Leon Bell: Another Vegas survivor, and another biker, but this time from Supercross, the over-marketed stepbrother of Motocross. I don't think there's ever been two honest-to-God real bikers in a TiR event, so I'm excited. While he is by no means a champion like Chuck used to be, this guy has definitely been making a bunch of waves in the SX circuit.

Still, while I don't know him personally, he seems like exactly the kind of guy who'd be interested, and probably good at, killing hordes of zombies. And he is got recent experience on bikes, so I actually think he is got an edge over Chuck.

Odds: 3:1

Bobby Newland: This guy's harder to find information on. He's another Vegas survivor. He apparently works in the Salt Lake City sanitation department. He once reviewed a book on Amazon, and gave it 4 stars. That's about it. His name is pretty weak, though.

Odds: 25:1

Roland Nichol: Here's an interesting one. This guy is actually from Willamette; there's a news article from back in the day where he was interviewed about his experience (pretty sad story, too. He had to shoot three members of his family). Then, on the other side, there's some articles about him being a semifinalist in the "Worldwide Barista Challenge."

The Hell? No, this isn't about bartending; baristas are those apron-wearing guys who work at Starbucks and places like that. I don't even know how you compete for that. Is there something like synchronized whipped cream topping? Weird. Still, this guy had to shoot his own (zombified) sister. I'll give him some credit.

Odds: 10:1

So, now that we've looked at the four...would anyone want to make their bets?


 * - valign=top
 * Gretchen Peregrine

Fighting both PETA and CURE: A Brief Look at the Zombie Zoo
Zoos have always been a source of controversy, and rightfully so.
 * 2010 07 28

So it may come as a surprise that I'm quite looking forward to visiting the zombie zoo whilst in Fortune City. For those that don't know, while there have been reported cases of zombie dogs, parrots, and other household pets, there aren't many naturally-occurring zombie lions, antelope, or penguins.

How then, does one design a zoo around such a concept. Well, according to some reporter from Willamette, the owners of the zombie zoo actually solicit other zoos from around the nation for the old and/or sick animals that are on the threshold of death. Those animals are then shipped to Fortune City, where, in a controlled environment, they are exposed to the infection, and thereby zombified.

This obviously upsets most animal (and zombie) rights groups, and it definitely brings up some ethical quandaries, but the medically-trained professional in me is fascinated by the possibilities this brings up. Essentially, these are animals that are going to die, and through zombification, they are given an extended life. Admittedly, "life" is used loosely here, but if we could study the zombie infection, if we could understand it, if we could master it, there is the possibility of creating the panacea that can cure death itself.

It almost seems like the stuff of mad science fiction, with maniacal laughter and bad hair. But then, I'm sure penicillin, or computers, also seemed like that at one point. So, while I don't believe this trip will change my general outlook on zoos, I would love to talk to the administrators to see if they can see the grander implications of their procedure, skeptics be damned.
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 * Johnny Pipes

I'm Psyched! I'm Talking About Weapons! And I'm Psyched!
Hi folks! Johnny Pipes here!
 * 2010 07 29

Some nights, I don't eat. Busy with other stuff. Work. Lady-folk. The like. So I get hungry around midnight. And I have no food my kitchen. Okay, not true. I have slabs of meat. But those are for testing weapons on.

So I hate Sunday nights, when nothing is open.

But then I have a solution! I have a bunch of 24 packs. Not beer, of course. Don't touch the stuff. Instead, it's Red Bull. Hot damn! So I chug about 4 cans to get my necessary allotment of calories. As a wonderful side effect, I get a burst of clairvoyance! Of creativity!

So then I love Sunday nights!

Weapons! Everything becomes a weapon!

My closet's open. There's a single golf club in there. It's my dad's. You could use it as a weapon. Use it for beating? Nah. Why not take up golf? And get good at it. Build up a strong swing. Knock balls onto jaws. And temples. Especially temples. Painful!

There's a cleaver on my kitchen counter. It's sticking up in a hunk of meat. Too easy.

There's a mannequin arm sticking out from under my bed. A gift from a department store that closed. Good for basic anatomy. Also good for beatdowns.

Wait! That meat that the cleaver was in. What if you stuck other things in there? What if I stuck a firecracker in there? What if I stuck dynamite in there? Ha! It would be a bomb that attracts victims. Add spices. Add seasoning.

I feel my wrench on my work belt. Too easy. Too, too easy.

There's a box of nails on my windowsill. Bought them to build a birdhouse. Bought too many. Anyway. Put nails on a piece of wood. A board with a nail it it. No! Boards are hard to hold. Put it on a bat. Baseball bat. They're easy to hold. Swing swing swing!

There's a roll of duct tape at my feet. Tape. Tape is the catalyst. Damn. Gotta pee. Damn. This is ruining my buzz. Okay. Abrupt end.
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 * Wallace Hertzog

Another Look at Some "Killer" Moves
VIDEO does not work
 * 2010 07 30

Do you remember when I was talking about "Killer" Moves a few weeks ago. It didn't really seem like anyone understood that "killer" was a double entendre. You know, it can either mean "cool" or "homicidal." Get it? I thought it was funny.

Well, I'm mentioning that because there was another wonderful fight last night. Actually, it was a few nights ago, but I didn't have a chance to see it until yesterday. Whatever; it was a great match! It was the boy from the Bronx, Tim Philster, fighting against Sam Ziegler ("The German Juggernaut").

Now, as each day grows closer until TiR XVII, I am really hoping more and more that they'll have some sort of direct fighting match. I know it probably won't happen, but knowing there's two bikers on the show makes me hope that they show just how tough we can be, even if we're not all Hell's Angels. Like my grandpa used to say, "You don't need to be a Hell-raiser in life. No need for Hell on Earth. Just have enough Hell in your hand for the next jackass who asks for it."

So which moves did Philster and Ziegler use that I thought would work well against the undead? I would say that for Philster, his elbow drop must have hurt something fierce. That's vicious. It's a good thing Ziegler only came away with bruises. And there's a video of it, though I don't think this amateur does it as well as Philster can.

Now, from Ziegler's side, there's nothing more devastating than his DDT. If you were to pull that on a zombie, especially if you were on a hard surface, they could kiss their head goodbye.

You know, the more I think about it, the more I'm going to be slightly disappointed if they don't have one-on-one fighting at TiR. But I don't think it's going to happen, so I have to just enjoy it for what it is. I wouldn't reject a beer if it was slightly warm, and I'm still as excited as hell for next week!
 * - valign=topstyle="background-color:#DFDFDF"

August

 * Month of August
 * Month of August


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 * Johnny Pipes

Can't Read My, Can't Read My, No You Can't Read My Poker Face!

 * 2010 08 1

Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!

Getting prepped for the trip. Only a couple days now! So I thought I'd share my own thoughts on poker. Now,Wallace loves his money poker. That's cool. But whenever he plays money poker, all he can win is money. That seems so shallow to me. I play for panties.

Yes, I'm talking about Strip Poker!

And luckily, Fortune City provides! Well, not officially. According to the man, strip poker isn't endorsed. Officially. But come on! It's Fortune City! The home of undead debauchery! Shambling sin! You're going to have a hard time convincing me that they don't love it.

You know the best thing about Strip Poker? You play for keeps! At least, I do. This has all sorts of wonderful effects. If you're playing a dude, you have the opportunity to up your wardrobe count! Yes, most of the time, their clothes will be too big. Or too small. Or some hideous color. But when it works, it's great!

And when you're playing a lady-folk, well! I hardly think I need to describe why it's nice to keep their clothes. If nothing else, you can always use it as leverage! "Come on, lady-folk, you can win these back if you win a different game." True story: I played Strip Poker in high school. Senior year. After Prom. After Prom! This was awesome for two reasons. First, there were no jackets and shirts and undershirts with the lady-folk. Just one-piece dresses. That speeds up the process. My buddy Jack and I were wearing our expensive rented tuxedos. We figured there was a profit to be made! Anyhoo, Jack and I cleaned up! Cleaned up! Everyone except us was right down in their panties.

Funny thing, though, was that I relied on nothing but skill. Jack, though, used magic! Or he said it was magic. It was actually just a helmet he pulled out of his trunk. No explanation as to where it came from. Funny guy! Not sure what happened to him.

Regardless!

I'm directing this to anyone interested in joining up with me for a game in FC. Basic rules:

-Texas Hold'em is the game.

-Big bets. This is supposed to move fast!

-You play until someone loses all chips. Then they take something off. Then you give them more chips.

-Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

And remember: no matter who wins, everyone wins!
 * - valign=top
 * Left Hand Lance

Happy birthday to me!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
 * 2010 08 4

21, bahbee! Just in time for my trip to fortune city! i can now do everything the city has to give.

it's kinda funny. Back when my sister turned 21 (this was like 6 years ago) she went to Las Vegas to celebrate. our parents didn't like it. Mom was like "Jessica abagail williams! you will not be going to that hellhole. Its beneath us!"

But she went, and had a great time, she DIDN"T turn into a prostitute, and as a result, my parents have kind of eased up on us. Especially me. Hell, they let me turn my sister's room into a treasure cave of awsome movie props and junk. i stay out of their way when they have their dinner parties, and they stay out of mine. And i have my sister - and Las Vegas- to thank for that. so, in some ways, LV has always been a kind of Mecca for me. a place I NEEDED to go to when it was my turn.

.....and that makes the whole thing even more depressing.

Not the outbreak part. that was cool. i remember it like it was yesterday. Probably everyone does; it was pretty crazy. in a way, it was more real for me than the New Jersey outbreak, even though NJ is like only 200 miles away.

So when vegas turned, i was conflicted. in some ways, I felt like i'd never be able to have the same liberating experience my sister had. still, ZOMBIES! There were frackin' ZOMBIES in my personal mecca. How awesoem would that be to visit?! It'd be a total adventure. I don't think there's anyone who know how to survive a zombie apocalypse like I do, so it'd be like a playground.

And then they nuked it. The goddam bastards nuked Vegas

The funniest thing is just the irony of the situation. i mean, what is the zombie capital of the world? Fortune city: the phoenix of the Vegas ashes. it's like, why did they even bother nuking it? it just got rebuilt, the zombies got corralled, and now it's as successful as the old place ever was.

Fortune City is there NOW, and it's my new personal mecca, and i'm gonna be there in a couple days, and I'm gonna be able to do everything, and it's gonna be amazing.
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 * Gretchen Peregrine

TiR Attendee Roll call
This is more a matter of housekeeping than anything. Some readers have mentioned that they'd be going to Fortune City to attend Terror is Reality, and others (primarily locals to the area) have mentioned that they'd just like to be there in order to meet up as a Tape It Or Die gathering.
 * 2010 08 6

Rather than try to contact each person individually, I am going to take the initiative to create a master list. I am thinking that we should briefly meet up in the afternoon before Terror Is Reality, and from there, figure out some plans for that night after the show, and then for the next couple days. It should be quite fun, so if you will be there, I highly recommend you meet up with us. If nothing else, if will be your opportunity to meet myself and the other TIOD bloggers in person.

Here is the list of participants as it stands. I will continue to update it as more people say that they will be coming (at least until the 6th, when I will be on my flight to Fortune City).

Vikki Taylor

Ray Teller

Pat Berkson

Dean Wayne

Madison Lainey

Tamara Stein

Andy Talbat

Jenny Slaton

Adrian Lee

Summer Chavez

We will meet between the TiR souvenir kiosks on Paradise Walk. I look forward to seeing you all.
 * - valign=top
 * Johnny Pipes

Last Couple of Things Before I'm Off! Off For Fortune City!
VIDEO DOES NOT WORK
 * 2010 08 9

Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!

You know that old John Denver song? The one that's like "I'm leaving on a jet plane."

Yeah, that's not me! I'm driving! It's less than 7 hours from Costa Mesa to Fortune City. Even with traffic. And I get to bring my work truck. So if I so much as fix one pipe on the trip, it becomes write-off-able. Hot damn!

(As a side note: Are you in the Fortune City area? Need some plumbing work done? Call (949) 478-3949 for quality service!)

But yeah, I'm ready. Got some of my homemade weapons in the back of the truck. If I meet up with some TiR officials, I'm ready to pitch ideas!

Now check this out!

'

"Why yes, Johnny Pipes, that does look like a Ramsterball.

" I saw this baby when looking through a pamphlet. It's called "Motion Madness". According to its advertising, it "Gives the thrill of Ramsterball without any of the danger."

Funny. I thought the danger was the thrill. But maybe that's just me.

Here's what I wonder, though. The thing seems like it's meant to be stationary. Like, just sitting on a bunch of rollers. You walk in the Ramsterball, then just try to stay standing up. Sounds more like a 3D treadmill to me. [LHL edit: normal treadmills go back and forth, so are in the first dimension. this goes back, forth, and side to side, so it's 2nd dimension. Itd be 3D if you also had to move up and down. See? {Johnny Pipes says: Stop hijacking my posts, Lefty!}] But what if it was detachable? What if you could take it off it's little raised platform?

I'll tell you what, it would be fun! You'd be able to run around, mowing down all the people in your way. Put on some headphones. Listen to some ironically-soothing music. Leave a path of bodies in your wake. Yes, technically that would be murder. But what isn't these days?

Still, gotta admit it looks fun. I'll definitely play it. But I'll close my eyes. And imagine what could have been.

(P.S. I also saw this other thingamajig being promoted. It's called "Dolphin Rider." Sounds like one for the lady-folk! Ha HA!)

'

Anyhoo, here's what it looks like in action.
 * - valign=top
 * Left Hand Lance

Just arrived in the Fortune city Airport!
Owww. Nine-hours ina packed sardine can of a plane makes you truly appreciate being on your feet. at Least my stewardess was pretty attractive (DESPITE being twice my age), and
 * 2010 08 10

but whatevs! I'm here now, and it's time to party. while my folks weren't too happy about my going to FC, i was able to convince them that i was going for business reasons (NOT entirely untrue; but I'll talk about that later). So instead of forbidding me to go, they actually gave me some EXTRA cash! And not chump change either; like, ten grand. So, now instead of staying at the americana hotel, i was able to switch over to the Atlantica. First time in a $1300/night room, babay! it's gona be sweeeeeet!

But right now, i just have to wait, because I cannot actually check in for anohter coulple hours, and i don't wanna start going around the city til my stuff's inside a room. so now I'm gonna do some (drumroll, please):

FORTUNE CITY AIRPORT PEOPLE WATCHING LIVE BLOGGING!!!

-have you ever heard a dude who looked liek he could beat you up, but totally had a munchkin voice? there's one of those right in front of me, and on the phone arguing with someone. it's pretty frackin' hilarious.

-REALLY cute asian chick walking up. sweatshirt says...UCLA. damn, other side of the country. still, maybe i could make this a short-term non-commital relationship. 'scuse me.

-She said she is departing. so I guess that's that. unless she is lying. damn, I hope she is not lying and, like, i see her at the arena. that'd be a new barnacle on the hull of my loser-ship.

-Daaaamn, there is some lady eating a burrito like she HATES it. you should see the look on her face! she seems pissed off at that burrito. she could be a zombie in her own right

. -some biker dude: "i hate airports" THEN LEAVE THE FRACKIN AIRPORT DUDE!

-Oh noes, CURE people. lay low, LHL, do not make eye contact.

-Woah, wide load, dude! argh, he just turned around, and he has stomach flab that hangs below his shirt line. gotta wash my eyes when I get to the hotel.

-oooh, another cute girl. Maybe a little old for me, but i cannot really tell. c'mon, get closer.

-DAYUM, that's a short dude. -ah, man, that cute girl is CURE too? what is with my horrible luck today?

-just got a call from the Atlantica saying the room's ready. they're sending a complimentary cab for me. SWANKY! signing off for now. lates!


 * - valign=top
 * Wallace Hertzog

My First post from Fortune City!

 * 2010 08 10

But hopefully not my last, haha!

I'm a little disappointed in myself. I should have ridden one of my bikes here. Yes, it's a 1,300-mile drive, but I could have made a road trip out of it, stop by the Grand Canyon, and maybe meet up with some old friends along the way.

But instead, I took the plane. No sightseeing or old friends, but at least I got a free bag of peanuts out of the deal.

If anybody's here that wants to meet up with me for the night, I'm staying at the Americana hotel (what can I say, it seems most like home for me). I'm going to be playing some poker in the casino after happy hour, but I've been spending most of the day just exploring, and the wrench-monkey in me has to comment on something.

That is a Gavin Roadster X3. One of the most expensive non-custom cars in the world. I saw this in the Royal Flush Plaza, and it's keys were inside a locked, transparent-plastic box guarded by a burly man with a gun. Next to him was a larger box, one in which you can place your business card (or, I suppose, some kind of form) into. The sign on the box read something like "WIN A FREE ROADSTER. A $500,000 value."

Think about how much money that is. And I know my parts: you've got about $80 worth of scrap metal making the frame, and your engine, while top-of-the-line, is still not worth a penny above nine grand.

Basically, you're paying a "cool" tax.

On the other hand, take a look at this:

Now that's something I'd save up years for. And you can bet your bottom peso I put my business card in there. And I'm feeling lucky. Just you wait: I'll be canceling that return plane ticket to San Antonio yet!
 * - valign=top
 * Johnny Pipes

Dire Straits Knew Where It Was At!
VIDEO broken
 * 2010 08 10

Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!

About the title: seriously! Money for nothing! Chicks for free! I love this town!

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: "Johnny Pipes, what about what you said? You said money is shallow." True! Very true! But that's playing poker for money. What about when you just...get some? Now that's pretty good!

No, your eyes don't deceive you. That is a box. A box full of money. And if you grab it, you win it.

I...I don't understand this. But I love it! But I don't understand it? How do they make money with this? I mean, it's like they're giving away money. And I don't mean that figuratively. They're literally giving money away.

But I'm not complaining!

Oh, by the way, I'm in Fortune City right now. You probably figured that out. Seeing as I'm talking about getting $800 out of a random box!

Yeah, drive was shorter than anticipated. Only 3 hours and six-pack of Red Bulls. I may have sped a little bit. A little. But luckily, that meant I had two six-packs for the city! And let me tell you, that energy worked wonders in that money box. It was timed, after all. Bunch of small bills. Gotta be fast! Gotta hold a lot!

And plumber hands can hold a lot! I guess they hope people spend the money on gambling. I guess. Can't say for sure. Still think it's odd.

Oh, and that "chicks for free" comment at the beginning. I wasn't kidding! Not every lady-folk here is a stripper. Most aren't, in fact! Most are respectable young lady-folk. Pretty young lady-folk. Sexy young lady-folk. And they're looking for a good time too.

So some of these lady-folk meet Johnny Pipes. They see I've just won $800. They ask for a drink. I offer them more. I take them to the Palisades Mall. Buy them some chocolate. There's three of them, by the way…

Two hours later, I’m back on the town.And the sun's still out!

And I still have $600 left from that box!

And TiR is tomorrow! I love this town!!!

Check it out!

(That's not actually me.)
 * - valign=top
 * Gretchen Peregrine

Advice: Avoid the Zombie Opera
I arrived in Fortune City this afternoon, and rather than meet up with the rest of the Tape It Or Die community - there will be plenty of time to do that in the upcoming days - I decided to go watch the Zombie Opera. I actually wanted to watch Cirque du Zombi, but that seemed to be out of commission for the day. Still, the opera seemed like a good way to experience as much of culture as I could.
 * 2010 08 11

However, I was sorely mistaken. The opera was a joke. And I do not use the word "joke" to imply that it was humorous; that is, not unless you have a post-modern sense of ironic humor. But I don't think that was the case with the audience. There was not a single laugh amongst the crowd. There was, though, some eye-rolling, watch-checking, discontent mumbling, and walking out of the theatre. I suppose there may have been laughter, though: the laughter of the creators as they deposit their earnings in the bank.

And I had such high hopes. I was expecting to witness an exceptional display of showmanship and training. I had anticipated that the zombies were professionally trained to sing beyond what is normally thought capable of them. I was hoping to be surprised, to see something I did not think possible.

What I witnessed, though, may perhaps be better described through analogy.

Imagine you are at a pet talent show. A postmenopausal woman, overly made up and desperate for any sort of affection, brings in her toy poodle, its hair so stretched and tied that the creature appears to be in pain. The woman says that her dog is a very talented dog. Her dog can sing Puccini. She motions to an offstage maestro (who is actually her nephew with a boombox), and the music begins. The audience watches the dog, who proceeds to do nothing. The woman then pulls on the leash, and the dog begins helping and whining. It's sound, yes, but it can hardly be considered music, and it definitely is not Puccini. There is the instrumental from the side, the mewling of the dog on stage, and the groans exuding from the audience.

I apologize; that was hardly an analogy at all. That is, in fact, a description of the Zombie Opera, if you were to replace the word "dog" with "zombie". All other details - the pathetic woman, the leash, the excess of makeup, and the cacophony - are essentially true to life.

My advice to anyone in, or planning to visit, Fortune City, is this: do not watch the Zombie Opera. You will not come out with a greater sense of culture. In fact, you will probably lose some IQ points if you actually try to pay attention for more than two minutes at a time.

I must say, I'm terribly disappointed. I can only hope the combined strength of the zombie zoo and Terror is Reality can cleanse the sour feeling from my mental palate.
 * - valign=top
 * Left Hand Lance

Liveblogging: LHL Around town
TODAY"S THE DAY!
 * 2010 08 11

Today's the day of TIR, and you have no idea how exciting everything feels at the moment. the people around Fortune city are, like, walking faster and smiling more. it's legitimately awesome.

we still got about 10 hours before TIR starts, and the TIOD group's gonna be meeting up a little before that, so we got some time (and money) to burn. So, i consulted with the others last night (okay, I senr them an email), and we've decided that to keep you entertained throughout the day, we're gonna be (drumroll please) liveblogging what we're doing throughout the day. to keep track, just check our "#Liveblogging" hashtag. It's just like twitter, but not.

I actually got the idea when i was at the airport. Basically, we'll be doing our things, but we'll have out laptops/netbooks/whatevs with us to document it, take pics, etc, etc. So, let's say I'm gonna be going to Leigh's Fine Liquor:

i know what you're thinkin: "LHL, it's only 10am in the morning (FC time)! the hell are you doing at a liquor store?"

PREPARATION! That's what i'm doing. I did my research before coming here, and i found that what makes leighs' Fine Liquor so "fine" is the fact that it's an all-encompasing drunkard's store. Like, it has a professional hangover kit. Wallace and i totally plan to get hammered tonight (he is like the father I never knew, lol!), so this things gonna be a lifesaver tomorrow. and in the meantime, I can also get some fancy-schmancy drinks to bring to the hotel. (I guess i COULD just get some room service to get these for me, but it's like a $100 tip required, and I don't wanna waste my folks' money THAT badly.)

Gotta say, though, it's imposible not to see the irony in that, right next to a liquor store in the spontaneous-wedding-capital-of-the-world, there's a divorce center.

LOL!


 * - valign=top
 * Johnny Pipes

#Liveblogging: *Actually* Live!! *Actually* at TiR!! *Actually* Now!
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
 * 2010 08 11

It's finally time for Terror Is Reality XVII: Payback! Hot damn! Now we're going to bring it to you! Live! Now, most of our "live" blogs today weren't. They were post-live. So not technically live? But that changes now! This time, we're making this as live as live can be! (That's pretty damn live!)

I think I've filled up my quota of using the word "live." So let's get started!

All pictures: Tape it or Die/Blog Posts/Gallery


 * - valign=top
 * Johnny Pipes

#Liveblogging: At the Peep Hole
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
 * 2010 08 11

I'm here in front of the Peep Hole. It's one of the lovely sources of entertainment on the Silver Strip. I figured I still have about an hour before the TIOD crew meets up. Might as well get in one final guilty pleasure before the night begins.

Ack! The camera on my phone is acting janky all of a sudden. Okay! Googling a picture of it!

Ha HA! Image search strikes again!

Inside now. She looks like she is wondering why I'm typing on my phone. Just do your thing, sweetheart.

Huh. I can hear some water flowing in the walls. Slight, but there. Distracting. Sounds like it's moving through galvanized steel. 3/8 or 1/2-inch? Can't tell. One of those, though. 7/16? My guess is its for the water fountain around the way.

Okay, outside again. Still two booths left. Now this is gambling! I still have some caffeine and taurine, and B vitamins running through my system.

But, gotta meet up with Tapers! So that's all. I'll see you all from TiR!
 * - valign=top
 * Left Hand Lance

I got nothin&#039; else to say about that, just JUGGZ!
>_>
 * 2010 08 11
 * PHOTOS

<_<

>_>

>_<

oh, check this out!

Normally, i'm not a big fan of souvenir stores. there are a couple others around the city (liek "Barrel of Goods' and "from Fortune with Love"), but they're mostly just about the city. This, though is just about TIR history. ah, man, this is sweet. I wish i could film this right now. There are actually ACTION FIGURES of some of the old TIR contestants. There's a Hogan Payne figure (though, for some reason, he is in his old Olympic boxing outfit rather than his TIR outfit. it's almost like they're just selling some excess inventory of his older toys. hmmm.............), there's a Killer Kyle Harris figure (i like how his jacket has a star on to show off his all-star status), and there's a Travis Conyers one (on a Slicecycle, naturally).

There's even one of Patricia Kucharska, the first female winner. "TIR Outfit Not Removable." LOL, i love how they had to put that on there to keep the pervs away.

OHSNAP! There's a 14-inch resin statue of TK with his arms around the twins! sorry, ma and pops, but this is $219 that ain't coming home.

almost dropped my laptop there! i need to get one of those chest harasses so i can type while moving.

Oaky, I think i'm probably gonna be spending a lot here. i mean, check out this replica jacket:

seriously, you cannot get this kinda crap in normal stores! and it's like, my "cave" at home has all sorts of memorabilia from the movies, where there's all kinds of fake zombies, but this is the first time i can get some junk revolving around people who've ACTUALLY fought zombies.

LOl, there's also some commemorative plates. like the kind my grandma has of when Ronald Reagan became president. I once tried to sell them on ebay, but seriously, NOBODY wants those things. (i ended up throwing them away and replacing them with Obama plates; she hasn't noticed, rofl)

yeah, and keychains, and hats, and shirts (the best one says "i survived the zombie apocalypse and all i got was this t-shirt"). okay, I'm gonna get the figures, the statue, the jacket, and call it a day.

HOTNESS! They're offering to deliver it straight to the hotel! that's SERVICE! though I think I'll keep the jacket on me. makes me look like a badass! alright, catch ya latez!
 * - valign=top
 * Johnny Pipes

#Liveblogging: Can&#039;t Think of a Good Title
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
 * 2010 08 11

People need to learn the right way to liveblog. Laptops are such a bother. Have you tried walking while typing on a laptop? It can be done. But it's damn tricky. Unless you're wearing one of those chest harasses. But then you look like a tool.

So I use my phone! Much easier. Laptop can be used for TiR. I'll be sitting then. Sitting and having a great time. Hey, look at this!

I've been looking for this place! I'm in the Palisades Mall right now. Weird kind of place. It has an odd combination of stores you see everywhere else, and places you see nowhere else. Like, you'll see a Robsaka Digital store in basically any mall in America. And in those SkyMall catalogs. They're like the plague. But try to find one other Shank's in America! Just try!

Okay, I just got off of Google. There's one other Shank's in New York City. So that's one. But just try to find two!

That's right! You cannot! That's because Shank's specializes in quality, not quantity! You go to them when you want the best in Serbian knifesmanship. (The Serbs make the best blades, if you weren't aware.) Like, look at this one.

The owner called this bowie knife "Davolje Jeziku." That's Serbian for "The Devil's Tongue." Wonderful knife! Good weight! Near-full tang! Very sharp! (I was able to make a cut in my thumb with almost no pressure! Didn't even feel a thing!) Hell, it even tastes good. You can tell it's mostly carbon steel, as expected. But I detect the tiniest amount of silver. Interesting choice! Maybe it helps prevent rust?

Okay, I decided to buy the Davolje Jeziku. (I've actually been looking at the selection for a couple minutes. Didn't really translate well into the space between paragraphs.) Not cheap. $350. Still, good weapons are worth the money. And think of all the things you can do with a knife. Stabbing! Cutting! Flaying! Filleting! Intimidating! Knife games! Quick ends to debates! All sorts of stuff!

Well, except one thing. You cannot take it into the Fortune City Arena. Rules and all that. Sorry, Jezi! (That's my nickname for it.) You're going to have to go back into the hotel for now. You'll come into your own back in Costa Mesa. Promise! Hugs and kisses!
 * - valign=top
 * Gretchen Peregrine

#Liveblogging: CURE Members in Front of the Fortune City Arena
Hello, everybody. I apologize for neglecting to liveblog some of my other activities throughout the day; I became distracted in the "High-Noon" Shooting Range. It's been too long since I've been able to practice with a handgun.
 * 2010 08 11
 * PHOTOS

Wallace says hello, by the way – he was too busy with bikes and poker to blog apparently.

I'm sitting in front of the Fortune City Arena with the rest of the Tape It Or Die group before most of us go to TiR. One small bit of annoying news, however. Wallace neglected to mention that the tickets he won on the radio were special "VIP" tickets. Not only do they entitle him special services, but he will also be sitting in an exclusive area of the arena.

On an unrelated note, regular TIOD follower Bill says hello.

Therefore, we will be unable to sit as one group. (Luckily, it will not affect our live blogging of the event.) And, unfortunately, because of Wallace and Lance's desire to sit and drink together, I will be sitting next to Jonathon for the duration of the event. I can honestly say that my enthusiasm for the night has been dampened, if only slightly.

...Jonathon says hello. At this point, you can assume that everyone here has said - or will say - hello to all of you.

But the main reason I began writing right now was because I wanted to show you a little scene - a situation, if you will, occuring outside the arena. As I'm sure was present at all the TiR's prior to this one, there is a group of CURE members doing what they do best: protesting.

Pathetic, I’m sure you’ll all agree.

Lance is now tapping on my head. I think that means I should post this and log off. I'll return when we begin blogging inside the arena.


 * - valign=top
 * Gretchen Peregrine

#Liveblogging: The Problems With Being in a Mall
I cannot write much. I do not feel comfortable using my laptop in public like this; Fortune City's crime rate, especially for theft, is almost as bad as it was for Las Vegas. Discretion and vigilance is key.
 * 2010 08 11

In any event, I mentioned during my examination of the different hotels in the city that I did not want to stay at the Fortune City Hotel, as it was situated over its own shopping mall. As I said, I was afraid of falling into a behavior of purchasing overpriced merchandise which could be purchased cheaper elsewhere.

Offenders include stores such as Trendy Cindy.

And the most expensive Brand New U I've ever walked into.

But worst of all - especially for someone like me - has to be The Venus Touch.

I will admit with a certain amount of shame that I am easily suckered into spas. I enjoy keeping my skin looking healthy and beautiful, and spas enjoy making such promises.

Still, there is always the good feeling you get when you go to a spa. Perhaps it's not such a bad idea after all. I've set aside some disposable income for this trip, and I do have some disposable time before our scheduled meeting with the Tape It Or Die group.

Perhaps I should just turn off the computer for the moment (especially because there's a hoodlum-looking figure loitering not but 20 feet from where I'm sitting), and just indulge myself for an hour or two.

I think I will.
 * - valign=top
 * Johnny Pipes

The Low-Down on the Haps!
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
 * 2010 08 12

You'll never guess what happened! Well, maybe you will. Might have been on the news. Not sure; stuff's not working here. But there was a bomb! Zombies got out. Started attacking everyone. Bunch of people dying. Ain't that a kick?

I was getting nachos when the bomb went off. Well, in line to get nachos. I hear the explosion. Then the screams. Everyone's looking at the TVs hung up on the wall. Not much to see; it's gone all static. (So I miss the explosion. Bummer, that.) Then the people start running. All over the place.

People in line start running, too. I figure this is my chance to get my nachos. But no! The son-of-a-bitch concessionaire shuts that metal grate thing on me. I tell him to give me some nachos, or at least a can of Red Bull. He doesn't. Instead, he just closes some wooden panels behind the grate.

So yeah. I never got my nachos. What a pisser! In fact, that was the worst part about all last night.

Anyhoo, I go to the bathroom. After all, I'm up anyway. No line, either. Everyone's running. So, I do my thing. Wash my hands. And I see it out of the corner of my eye. A zombie walks by the bathroom door.

Little gears whir in my head.

I reach under the sink. Twist off the couplings. (A good plumber can do that without tools.) Rip out the pipe. Give it a quick inspection. 5/8" inner diameter. Lead (odd; that's been illegal for 40 years). I walk up to the zombie. I smile at it (to be polite). Then smash its head in. What a rush! A bit messy, but exhilarating!

So, I figure I the show's over. I should leave. But there's more zombies in my way! Let me tell you, it redefined the word "joygasm".

Long story short, I made it out of there. And more than a few zombies died by that pipe alone. Semper Fi, good pipe! Thing is, there's still boatloads of zombies still around. Like the whole town got infected in a few hours. And they're so killable, and it's so satisfying! It's like murder, but legal!

So, yeah. This place is totally dead now. And yet, it feels more alive somehow. I do wonder about everyone else, though. It'd kinda suck if all my TIOD buddies were dead, y'know?

Anyhoo, I found a good place to hole up. Nice and cozy. If anyone's still alive - and reading this - you're welcome to join me. I'll be in Prospect Park tonight. At the middle point. Around midnight or so. Probably a lot of zombies.

Oh, and this part pains me: no plumbing services for a bit, guys. Gonna be occupied.
 * - valign=top
 * Wallace Hertzog

If This actually goes through
Please tell my friends and family I love them, and I'm sorry.
 * 2010 08 12

That's all.


 * - valign=top
 * Gretchen Peregrine

everyone out there, olease help me!!!
cannot stop long./ separated. nobopdes aroubnd. phone gbne. i dont knwo where anybody is. swrrt jesus its so dark. have ti keep mvong. soembody help. if antybody get this HELP! ME
 * 2010 08 12
 * - valign=top
 * Left Hand Lance

No no noNO no no
PLEASEL LET THIS WORKK IVE GOTTEN TO SAFE PLACE BUT NOT SAFEFOR LONG, SO MANY PEOPLE DEAD DIES ANYONE HAVE SAFE SPIOT I'M BY THE AMAERICANA CASINO BUT GOTA MOVE. GODAM BOMB BOMEERS! IW DON;T KWOW WHAT TO DO CHRST HEKLPHELPHELPHELP!!!!!1`1!!!
 * 2010 08 12
 * - valign=top
 * Gretchen Peregrine

Co-operating to survive
Hello, everyone.
 * 2010 08 16

I would like to thank everyone for their support and concern since the outbreak started. The past 36 hours have been some of the most challenging in my life.

As you're no doubt aware right now, there was a terrorist attack at the Terror is Reality event last night. There are rumors and speculations floating around all over the Internet as to the culprit, but I'm fairly certain it ends there, as nobody has any firm evidence. Some say that CURE is involved, which would paradoxically make sense and yet still surprise me. I've even read on one blog that Chuck Greene, the TiR contestant, was a co-conspirator. I'm uncertain what his motivations would be, considering his tragic history, but then, I've seen people act irrationally plenty of times before.

Regardless of who the villain is, the victims are obvious: the thousands of people who have lost their lives because of this. Thousands. I'm no expert on the subject, but this may be the worst outbreak since Las Vegas. And, looking over my list of other TIOD fans who were attending, and I've tried contacting them, but have received no reciprocation. I am seriously concerned about them. If any of you have access to the Internet, please let us know you're alright.

Luckily, the other bloggers and myself are alive and well. It's almost like fate. And while I never thought I would ever say this, I think we have Jonathon to thank for our own safety at the moment. His hiding place is actually quite secure and out of the way. It seems to be an old TV production studio.

Jonathon has certainly made the studio a bit more "homey" than I'm assuming it was before. There are a few mannequins standing about, a workbench, and all sorts of tools. I wouldn't be surprised if it was a simulacrum of Jonathon's apartment, to be perfectly frank. There are even some signs that say "Tape It Or Die" on them.

Our main objective right now is to formulate some sort of survival plan. We have some supplies of food, enough for a couple days at least, but we honestly have no idea how long this ordeal will last. There's always the risk that we may be down here weeks or months.

As such, we're going to need to go out and get new food and other supplies. Additionally, most of us think it's our duty to see if we cannot help rescue some of the other survivors.

So now, we are faced with the dilemma of us having to go out into the "above-ground" (as Lance enjoys calling it). We have three options for accomplishing this:

-One person goes by him or herself.

-We split up into teams of two.

-We all go out at once.

I was in favor of going out as a single group. If we did, we would have strength in numbers. Unfortunately, I appear to have been overruled there. Lance is in favor of splitting up into teams of two, and going out there in tandem (or, as he refers to it "co-op"). The plurailty, though, goes to Wallace and Jonathon, who have decided that it's best to only have one person going at a time. Wallace notes that if something terrible happens topside, it'd be best to have the majority of us in a safe place. Jonathon just says we'll "get in [his] way." Not sure what to make of that.

So, through our little microcosm of democracy, we've decided to go out one at a time. In order to stay in communication, though, we're using these walkie-talkies, which Lance conveniently had in his satchel.

I'm unsure of their capabilites, though. We've yet to test them, and this studio is well underground. Hopefully they'll work, because otherwise, whoever goes up is essentially cut off. ...I'm not a woman of faith, but I hope someone's looking over us all.
 * - valign=top
 * Johnny Pipes

Uncle Sam Wants *You* (to Send in Your Weapon Ideas)!!!
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
 * 2010 08 16

So! You know our situation! We're inside some old studio. Zombies are outside. Lots of zombies.

Luckily, we're not helpless. Well, I'm not. I can only assume the others are the same. (They're still alive, after all.) We're intelligent. We're capable. And we’re gonna survive.

But we cannot do it alone! Well, we can. But we have the entire Internet at our disposal. So we're not going to do it alone. After all, you're all a bunch of intelligent folks. You're obsessed with zombies. With killing zombies. You've all got active imaginations. And you want to contribute to us killing things. [LHL Edit: our main goal is saving people, JP {same difference!}] So we're gonna let you! You are going to contribute to the survival of Tape It Or Die!

So, here's the deal: we need you to submit your created items and weapons to the site. Yeah, we mean it. Like, for real!

And we may be in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, but we're not ingrates! There are good reasons to give us weapon ideas! Like, we'll be featuring them as our

WEAPON OF THE WEEK

See? It's so special, it's given its own line. And it's bold. So it's one hell of a reward! But there's more! If your creation's chosen as a

WEAPON OF THE WEEK

, you'll get other prizes, too. So, yeah! There's no time to lose. Send us your ideas. We'll kill with them. Then we'll give you stuff as a reward. It's win-win-win! Except for the zombies. They lose.


 * - valign=top
 * Wallace Hertzog

My First Weapon Idea
Lately, I've been feeling a little blue. Not just because of the whole outbreak; that's horrible in its own right, and I'm sure I won't be able to explain things eloquently enough to do it justice. But there's a part of this that just seems a little more personal to me. And while I normally wouldn't want to talk about such stuff, I just know my father would tell me that the only thing I should bottle up is whiskey. So I'll just come out here.
 * 2010 08 17

Frankly, I'm feeling a little unsure of myself. It's just, I've........I cannot think of any ideas. I'm talking about weapon ideas. Everybody's been coming up with them. JP's thought of a boatload. Lance has thought of a lot. Even Gretchen's thought of a couple. And of course, the whole lot of you have thought of more stuff than me already, and I'm sure there's more to come. But me, I haven't thought of anything. Even though I've been working with gears and tools and junk all my life, I just cannot think of ANYTHING. I imagine it's what it's like when someone gets writers block. You want to think of something, but you cannot.

However, I think I may have found my solution. I was just out last night in order to gather some food from that Chris' Fine Restaurant or whatever it's called nearby. And I came accross a poster for “Pit Viking”, that upcoming Clint Rockfoot movie. You may have seen the posters for it, where Clint is dressed up like Beowulf or Ironbeard McCullough or something. Here, I took a picture of it.

I'll need to remember to watch it if I make it out of this alive. But what really stood out to me was Clint's weapon. On the way to get the food, I had passed by a store which was selling a training sword as well as shields. You know, one of those swords that are made from wood. I didn't pick it up at first, because, really, why would you want to use a wooden sword to fight zombies? You're better off with a bat, or perhaps a real sword.

But then I saw this poster, and it gave me an idea. See all those spikes on Clint/Pit Viking's shield and stick [LHL Edit: mace]? Well, I took that wooden sword and shield, then grabbed a box of nails from one of the maintenance rooms around here, and went back to the underground studio.

There, I was able to use some of JP's duct tape to make this:

Not too shabby, huh? I mean, for someone who was having creator's block, it's pretty nice. I call it the "Holy Arms". Get it? Pit Viking? Pits? Holes? Holy?

Well, naming conventions aside, hopefully this will show the others I can hold my own when it comes to thinking up ideas. I don't want them thinking I'm expendable or anything.
 * - valign=top
 * Johnny Pipes

WEAPON OF THE WEEK - AUGUST 18TH
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here! You know what time it is? Need I repeat that in all caps? YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?! Of course not. We haven't done this before. But it's... WEAPON OF THE WEEK ...time! It's like I was saying earlier. You design weapons. We like them. We feature them. Zombies die. Children laugh. Everything's hunky-dory! So let's get to it! Drumroll please! This week's winner is...The Grave Digger! By TylerJohnston (whose real name is a complete mystery). Now, Johnny Pipes likes efficiency. That's why I brush my teeth while web surfing while driving. Efficient! Same with this baby!
 * 2010 08 18
 * Photo, link

Does two jobs for the price (tape?) of one. First, the killing! Jackhammers are already a great item for doing damage. A rod going back and forth at high speeds? It's like a short-range machine gun! That never runs out of ammo! That guy from "No Country for Old Men" *wishes* he had a jackhammer. And the shovel? Extra reach! larger entry wounds! Possibility of one-hit dismemberment! Effective? You bet!

But you need to be a good citizen! Leaving a body lying around? For shame! That body will start to stink up! Attract roaches! And seagulls! Do you want a bunch of seagull crap all over the place? No! So bury the body! And use your weapon, which also functions as a high-powered digging tool! Soft dirt, hard dirt, sand, gravel, snow, cement, astro-turf, granite, those wood chippings they put in playgrounds - all tremble! Tremble before the wedge mechanics of the shovel!

So, kill the zombie. Bury the body. Kill the zombie. Bury the body. Efficient! Gonna try to make this one myself. Bunch of construction sites around here. Shovels should be easy to find. Jackhammers may be trickier. (But still easier than, like, Uranium.) Should be fun!

Thanks again, TylerJohnston, for your great entry. You are now an official...

WEAPON OF THE WEEK!

Hot damn! Who will win next week? Dunno! Gonna be occupied in the meanwhile. Have some weapon testing to do. ;)

We'll be in touch with the Tape Company to build, test and film your weapon straight away! And remember the weapon with the highest vote when we try to escape will be the Ultimate weapon and the winner will appear in some way in the next Dead Rising game! So keep them votes coming in!


 * - valign=top
 * Gretchen Peregrine

Zombrex Is Not a Cure
Over the last several days, I've been thinking. I've been in the pharmacy business for several years now, and my motivation has always been to promote the health and well-being of others. Zombrex has been a major part in my success, both financially and, I thought, morally. After all, you're keeping people from turning. Granted, there's not that many infected people in Nebraska - the majority of purchases are preventative - but it's still my way of contributing the overall safety of society.
 * 2010 08 18

Still, I cannot shake the feeling that I'm doing something wrong. That I'm on the wrong side of some kind of conflict. It's an unsettling feeling, to be sure. Maybe it's just something about being in the middle of this storm. I've seen zombies face-to-face. I've seen their lifeless, glazed-over eyes. I've had to kill some of them. Not many, just a couple of hundred. Thankfully, I had my security gun handy, so I was prepared to take them out. But there was one zombie - a female - who dropped her purse when I had to shoot her. In a moment of illogicality, I picked up the purse and kept it with me.

There was a wallet inside, with an ID. Susan was her name. There was also a used Zombrex dose, which means she was infected before the outbreak; it was a preexisting condition. But looking at the box containing the emptied syringe, I couldn't stop looking at the notes right next to the bar code. Particularly, the first line:

"Zombrex is not a cure."

How poetic, in a Dickensian sort of way. This woman was like one of my customers, paying someone like me a sizable chunk of money for one of these syringes. Paying for hope. Paying for time. And in the end, paying for nothing except a bullet to the head.

The Zombrex commercial says the same thing, albeit quickly: "Zombrex is not a cure." The Zombrex website has a similar message throughout. All these people may be thanking Zombrex; there may be straight lines and clean colors throughout the design, but it's not a cure. Not a cure. Not a cure. Zombrex is not a cure.

Why not, I wonder?

Has Phenotrans gotten too comfortable with its stopgap solution? Is it too comfortable to change to a one-stop solution? Is that brochure that CURE gave me accurate, saying they're purposely keeping a cure from coming out? Are they just trying to milk the problem?

I don't know. I've just been thinking.


 * - valign=top
 * Gretchen Peregrine

ZOMBREX IS NOT A CURE 2
I've given it more thought. Zombrex is a problem. I'm pretty sure there's no cure because they don't want there to be a cure. It makes logical and financial sense. Let's just go through a short thought experiment. A 25-year-old man is bitten by a zombie. Let's just say he leads a life where he would live to be 75. He needs to take Zombrex every day in order to prevent conversion. At the moment, the absolute cheapest I've ever seen Zombrex offered at was $300 a dose, and that was from exceptionally shady dealers.
 * 2010 08 19

So, work that out.

50 years x 365.25 days/year x 1 dose/day x $200/dose = $5,478,750

Five-and-a-half million dollars. That's how much that man is worth to Phenotrans. Let's ignore the fact that the average lifetime income for someone with a professional degree is around $4.4 million (only $1.2 for a high school . Let's ignore the fact that this man would probably not have enough to continually pay, and would thus turn/die alone and penniless. Let's ignore all that and ask:

How much would they charge for a cure?

CURE was right. Zombrex makes me sick. If I see an advertisement for it, I'm going to wreck it. A small means of protest, but a valid one. I encourage everyone else to do the same. I don't encourage unrestrained vandalism, I think we need to show Phenotrans that not being a cure is not good enough.


 * - valign=top
 * Johnny Pipes

Benches Ain't For Sitting! They're for Working! So Let's Get to Work!
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
 * 2010 08 23
 * PHOTO

You know what I love about this outbreak? Well, killing things. But besides that! It's really bringing out the best in everybody.

-Wallace and his feelings of inadequacy. He's away from his motorcycles. His strengths. Now he wants to show us how great he is. How cute!

-Gretchen making her tin-foil hat. (Proverbially.) Now she is all against Zombrex. Also, she is talking like a CURE member. Kind of a turn-off.

-Lefty's a funny one. He was like a puppy when I found him. All scared and junk. But he is coping. And he even kinda redesigned the site. I like it. Makes us look serious. And bloody!

And Johnny Pipes? I'm doing fine! If anything, I'm enjoying this too much. But I don't think there was any worry there.

When I found this studio, I was ecstatic! Right there was a workbench! A workbench! It's like this place was built for Johnny Pipes! (Remember, Tapers - a workbench should always be your number two possession. [Number one is tape.])

But what's cooler is that there's workbenches all over this town! Handyman's paradise.

I think that's because Fortune City is in a continuous state of construction. There's always "more to come" here or there. So, lots of builders, lots of maintenance, lots of workbenches. And I wouldn't be surprised if I've been in them all. I've gouged their strengths. Their weaknesses. Their highs and lows. And I've evaluated them all to be: adequate.

Take Prospect Park, for one. There's three workbenches around there. In a park! What's the rationale? "That tree's lookin' a bit shabby. Let's fine-tune it!" But I'm not complaining! Now, of the three, I'd say my favorite is the one right in the far southeast corner. Right next to the entrance to the Atlantica Casino.

"Oh, Johnny Pipes!" you say, "How could that possibly be any different than the others?" Quiet, you! True, they look identical. But they have different feelings and vibes.

And different items inside. Like, the one I like has lawnmowers.

I like lawnmowers.
 * - valign=top
 * Wallace Hertzog

Turning Trajedy to Profit (Co-Written With LHL)
I must admit, I've been impressed with everything that everyone's been sending in. I've still bit in a bit of a dry spell myself. Can't think of anything original.
 * 2010 08 25

JP says I'm trying to start a rivalry with him, and I cannot tell if he means that in a friendly way or a defensive way. We're friends and all, but I would definitely not want to get in his way.

But Lance and I got to talking. And I may be able to play a part in an idea he has. One that could make us money (one we're out of this hole). That may seem a little exploitative, but our intentions are good, and we're not planning on, say, gouging the people we try to help around Fortune City. It's just that, we're getting all this experience, making and testing dangerous weapons. And we're doing it in one of the goddamned scariest possible situations. Why not try to make a profit. I'll let Left Hand Lance describe our plan.

okay, i'm not going to take all the credit for this idea, though i WAS going to take the money for it, LOL. if you remember before the outbreak (damn, that seems like a long time ago), I mentioned that i had a business plan, which is how i got to get my folks to spring me the extra cash. (actually, that reminds me, i've never contacted my folks since the outbreak. WHOOPS!)anyway, that plan was this:



get it? it's a hadny-dandy card-based reference guide to making your own TIOD weapons! this was gonna be my big-ticket item. I was planning on either selling them individually, or maybe finding some card company and selling them on the idea, and then like packing them like baseball or MTG cards. sell as a bundle. "Get your weapon combo cards here!" and stuff like that.

well, that idea kinda fell to all hell. but I'm not convinced that it's totally worthless. So that's where I come in. I'm not a great artist, which is why I ended up quitting drafting school and working in the auto shop full time. But I think I can do better than nothing, so I grabbed a piece of cardstock and some calligraphy markers from the Informant stationary store, and whipped up this design.

'

Not too shabby, eh? nah, i gotta agree. For what we got, this'll work. suriously, though, pictures are soooooo much nicer than text. Still, we gotta ways to go before i think we're ready to bring these babies to the mass market. here's my janky photoshop mock-up.

'

and for the hell of it, here's a couple more of wallace's designs.

'

'

'

We make a great team, don't we? so, anyone interested in sponsoring us? anyone? we'll give you a cut!


 * - valign=top
 * Left Hand Lance

WEAPON OF THE WEEK - August 25 2010
WASSUUUUUUUUUUP!!
 * 2010 08 25
 * PHOTOS

.........yeah, it's been a while since I posted anything. I don't think i'm gonna apologize, though. it's been pretty flippin insane. i was in the bathroom when the bomb when off, and i guess the electircal wires were effected, because all the lights go out. Then the zombies got out, and i sprained my ankle, and they're more difficult to deal with in real life than on screen, so yeah. That was a rough day. and THEN after that, I was working to help make the website kinda new, to help with the weapon submission process.

SPEAKING OF WHICH: thank you all soooooooooooo much for the weapon ideas so far. they've been awesome to build and try out. But the powers-that-be (i.e. teh Tape Company, who I wrangled up for a sponsorship) want me to give you some pointers to make sure you have the best opportunity to win, and WE have the best opportunity to survive (not necessarily in that order).

Left Hand Lance's Do's and Don't's of Weapon Submission


 * DO use lots of tape - we have lots of tape here, and we know how to use it. So be sure your wepons utilize that in some way.
 * DO submit your own work - Obviously, some people will come up with the same idea simultaneously (there were like, 7 knife-boomerangs), but don't just blatently rip off someone else's idea. not cool!
 * DON'T use images you don't own - yeah, if you're doin' this, your probably NOT submitting your own work. there's plenty of stock images you cna run through Photoshop or Paint.net or something if you don't want to draw.
 * DON'T make actual weapons - That's OUR job! Sluriously, though, the Tape Company was all like "THEY GONNA SUE US!" so don't make an actual weapon that could actually kill a non-zombie. we won't let it through.
 * DO try and include an image, and a description if you can, no matter how primative - i don't want to sound cliche, but a picture can say a thousand words. You don't need to be Salvador Dali in order to use a picture. Look, here's a drawing i did in two minutes on the back of a napkin!
 * DO have fun - It's a scientific fact that the more fun you have making weapons, the more effective they are at killing things!

So, with that crap out of the way, it's time to present you with this week's winning weapon: THOR!! ...by VileMethoD.

Now, i've seen a number frackin' awesome weapons submitted, but I think what makes this awesomer is the flavor behind it. Now, i dunno if Vile is more of a mythology geek or a Marvel geek, though it's technically the same guy (Ultimate be damned!), but this thing makes me squee with joy! you can become the thunder god himself! i can just imagine shooting arc lightning from it, or just smashing heads.

also, one thing i like about this one is how it takes user saefty into account. Using electrical tape instead of duct tape is a little out-of-the-box, but it makes perfect sense! (and it proves my tip above about making sure you use tape in your submissions.) It keeps the user alive, which is always a bonus.

And then the whole thing is layed out so nicely; you don't even need a description to know the score. In fat, the ONLY thing i can find fault with on this is the fact that the hammer is named "Thor" and not Mjˆllnir, which is totally what Thor's hammer is called. But whatevs!

Congrats on your victory, VileMethoD! i cannot wait to give this thing a whirl!

(................Okay, what really makes this one win is Thor Jr. "Wow!" Squee! ^_^)


 * - valign=top
 * Gretchen Peregrine

If You Are A Fortune City Survivor, We Can Help! Please Read!
Jonathon put out that call for survivors so long ago, and as of yet, we haven't heard from anyone. I'm almost beginning to lose hope that anybody is still alive topside. Unsettling, to be sure.
 * 2010 08 31
 * PHOTO

I simply refuse to believe that we are the only four people in this town who survived the outbreak. It simply doesn't make any logical sense.

So, this is a last-ditch effort to reach any survivors. I suppose the only way they'll have a chance to read this is if they have a computer, or a smartphone, and some form of wireless connection. And unless our readers spread the word, they're going to have to come to Tape It Or Die. All considered, that's a long shot. But a long shot is better than no shot at all.

To any and all survivors:

Please come to our shelter.The studio is in the back of a sports store, behind the counter and all the merchandise. Here's a picture for reference:

'

Our door should, by all rights, be locked. We won't open it if you yell (we don't want to confuse it with a zombie's moans), and we won't open it if you just pound indiscriminately on the door (again, a zombie may do the same thing). Please use that short tune that you always hear in cartoons; I don't know the name.

[LHL Edit: from what i can gather from her acapela singing, Gretch means 'shave and a haircut". example here.]

We will then open the door for you. Right now, we're just staying put, surviving what happens, and hoping to find more survivors. If anyone can think of a decent escape plan, please suggest it, and I promise we'll take it into consideration.
 * - valign=topstyle="background-color:#DFDFDF"

September

 * Month of September
 * Month of September


 * - valign=top
 * Left Hand Lance

WEAPON OF THE WEEK - 1st September
It’s the beginning of a new month here in the ooooold land of Tape It or Die. And you know what? we’re still down here. but you know what ELSE? I’ve got a good feeling about this month! maybe we’ll be able to escape. Dunno. but it doesn’t hurt to feel good about it.
 * 2010 09 01
 * photos link

Oh, yeah, I also managed to jack myself an xbox and downloaded me some Dead rising 2 Case Zero, which is kind of a backstory for Chuck Greene (the dude what caused the outbreak). they pumped that one out pretty quickly. almost seems like an exploitation of chuck………a Chuxploitation, Lol! still, i’m not complaining. if there’s any way to relax after killing ome zombies in real life, it’s killing them in virtual life. LOL.

But now, it’s time for this week’s WEAPON OF THE WEEK!!@! not gonna waste time here, so without further ado, it’s the “Serv” and Protect Bot!

serv and protect bot

by CaptainCortez (yarrrrr!)

Now, you should be thankful that ice queen and neo-conspiracy theorist gretchen isn’t choosing what becomes a WOTW. because she saw that and was all like “a bad pun? how could people upvote that?” shiznats to that! bad puns FTW!

Besides, how could you not love this little guy. SO ADORABLE!! with his little india jones hat and arsenal of weapons. And hell, he’s a SERVBOT, which is like the pictuer that is next to the word “cute” in the dictionary.

And then, of course, there’s the fact that he’s a killing machine, all at your command. i would totally use the walkie-talkie to blurt out cliche action phrases in an Ahnold voice. Herd them toward a heliblade while shouting “GET TO THE CHOPPAH!!!” then a zombie would pick up the little dude and bite him, and totally break his teeth. and then i’d press a button, and plow a bullet into that zombies head, while saying, “HERE, TRY SOMETHING BITE-SIZE!”

Basically, it would be the toy that our parents could never afford to buy us.*

Course, i’m supposed to be a fair judge, so if I’m going to give some constructive criticism: unless you find the most sophisticated RC robot in history (can you imagine some suit being like “we need a toy robot with a trigger finger; you never know when it might come in handy.” lol), you’re going to have to build and program this bad boy from scratch. now, i’m studying comp sci, but making an RC from scratch seems like even more difficult than fighting the zombies themselves. It’s like the simpsons said, “in the future, battles will be fought by small robots, and it will be our job to build and maintain those robots.” LOL, it’s kinda ironic.

……….BUT HE”S SO FREAKIN KAWAII!!! and in my mind, that overrules any sort of downside. =3 so congrats, Captain! i’ll study robotics just so i can make this work!

(*Well, mine could, but they were more interested in buying their 8-year old a new 3-piece suit every Christmas.)


 * - valign=top
 * Left Hand Lance

.....and we&#039;re all going mad!!
You ever see that movie, the muppets treasure island? the one with tim curry? there's a song in there that's like "We've got cabin fever, and i'm going insane!" that's kind of how I think everyone is feeling right now. And I don't just mean the TIOD people.
 * 2010 09 03
 * PHOTOS

believe it or not, I actually saw someone topside a while back. and i'm not talking about another zombie (i've seen plenty of those, and I've actually killed over a hundred at this point); no, it was someone ALIVE! i was like all happy and calling out to him and telling him to come to the studio and all that.

I learned two things from that ecounter. One, yelling attracts zombies. Two, that person was either ignoring me, or he just couldn't hear me. three (okay, there was a third thing), karate dudes like to shout.

he was dressed like some kinda karate dude, just shouting while he jumped and kicked some zombies. i tried talking with him (keyword being TRIED, and he just kept shouting).

"Hey, we have a safe place where we can-"

"HHHRAAAAAGHH!"

"did you hear me? you can-"

"HHHRAAAAAGHH!"

"look out, dude, there's a zombie behind-"

"HHHRAAAAAGHH!"

"okay, looks like you got that covered, do you-"

"HHHRAAAAAGHH!"

"is that really all you can do? Shouldn't you be able to punch or throw-"

"HHHRAAAAAGHH!"

I couldn't get through to him, and he seemed to be doing well enough, so i just.....left.

and i didn't know if he was crazy, or if I was crazy. I've been down here a while; either might be true at this point and I might be hallucinating. that's why I didn't tell anyone about it until today.

Except that I SAW HIM AGAIN! not only that, but there was a SECOND one! which normally would make me question my sanity even MORE, but i was abele to get pictures, and showed them around to the others here, so if i'm crazy, then we all are, dammit!

the first guy (and I don't know if either of this guys are the same dude that I saw the other day) like, looked like a slasher from some horror movie. he had a hockey mask like Jason, a jumpsuit like micheal Myers (the killer, not the comedy guy). Seriously, i don't know who he was trying to intimidate (as i'm pretty sure zombies have no sence of fear), but I mean, LOOK AT HIM!

'

Thank picard for 6x digital zoom on my camera. i didn't want to get near that guy. still, i think the weirder one might have been the other guy. dude was dressed like a cowboy. hat, boots, the whole shebang. And he was shooting zombies like nobodies' business. And FAST! I've seen Gretchen shoot, and she is no slouch herself, but this guy was like a machine (gun). And it was like, I never saw the dude reload, he just kept going and going and shooting and shooting and ignoring me and shooting some more. To be honest, I was getting a little freaked, so I went the other way. but not before capturing it on film:

'

anyway, you can see them, right? we're not the crazy ones here, are we?
 * - valign=top
 * Left Hand Lance

WEAPON OF THE WEEK - 8th September
when I say "Ayayayayayayayyaaa!!!", what do you think of?
 * 2010 09 08
 * photo link

If lucy Lawless didn't pop into your head immediately, turn in your geek cred badge right now. then go and watch this.

............Done? okay, now we can move on.

in case ya'lls wondering why I was talking about Xena (and the hot, HOT Gabriela), it's because i feel this week's weapon of the week winner perfectly fits the theme. and that winner is the CHUCK-RAM!

By the deliciously-named stackopancakes (who TOTALLY makes me wish that there was an Ihop around here, lol).

now there's been a BUNCH of spinny-knife-dealies that have been submitted since the outbreak began. most have been frisbees with knives taped on them. What made this one stand out enough to be our WOTW? well, for the first thing, it had the highrst thumbs-up-to-thumbs-down ratio. SECOND, I gotta give credit to the name. in case you don't get the reference, it's a reference to the chakram, a spinning blade weapon used by punjabi soldiers and warrior princesses alike. but this is also named after Chuck greene, the guy everyone's been talking about. I gotta wonder, though, why name it after chuck? i mean, if he started the outbreak, why are we naming stuff in his honor? or are we supposed to use the chuck-ram on its namesake.

whatevs. My real question is about size. either that's a REALLY small hula hoop or the world's largest knives. i have no idea where'd you'd find either. probably to make this practically, you'de probably have a bunch more knives going around the edge. which would be pretty sah-weet in it's own right. you'd be like Tira frm soul caliber. and then you'd just, y'know, hula hoop, so you'd get some exercise, too! lol

Nice job, stackopancakes! that thing is like a circle of life, except that it's a circle of death. LOL!!
 * - valign=top
 * Wallace Hertzog

Some of Our Magazine Recommendations
One thing I've noticed since the outbreak has began is that I've been reading a lot more. Maybe it's to get inspiration for weapons; maybe it's just to pass the time. My father would always tell me: "A book's only as good as the size of the bug it can squash." So even after growing up and going to some form of college, I didn't read books. Instead, my reading material of choice was whatever was available in the office of the auto shop while people would drink Barry's swill coffee as they waited for their bike or car to be fixed.
 * 2010 09 09
 * PHOTO

In any event, magazines seem to be the reading style of choice in Fortune City, too. I haven't seen many books around here, but there are plenty of places to read a quick magazine article. And whenever I passed one, I've picked up a copy or two.

I may sound a little naive, but I honestly think I'm better at...stuff than I was this time last month. And since I've been able to sample so many of the magazines around here, I thought I'd give some recommendations.

Stunt Devils

'

This covers crazy stunts from all manners of vehicles, but there's a pretty big chunk devoted to motorcycles. I cannot deny my bike-riding heritage, so it's good to keep my mind fresh on the topic. If I could get to that bike I saw when I first got into the city, maybe I could even pull a crazy stunt myself. Maybe.

Fortune Fighter

I talked a lot before coming to Fortune City about the kinds of fighting I'd like to use against the undead. That was all fun and games, but now I'm living in a situation when it probably would be a good idea to actually have some knowledge of a martial art. It's kind of difficult imitating the masters when you can only follow static images, but this is a great start.

Dangerous People

'

I've been hearing about some absolutely insane people outside of our shelter. It almost makes me think that anyone who's left alive out there may have just gone crazy from the situation. So I've been reading this so to better prepare myself in the off-chance that I'd be confronted by one of those psychos. JP, though, he almost looks like he is trying to learn a tip or two from those weekly dangerous people. You know, sometimes I think JP is on the threshold of being a dangerous person himself.

Maybe these only seem good because of the situation we're in, but regardless, if you run across any of these magazines, give them a look. I think you'll be happy you did!
 * - valign=top
 * Johnny Pipes

When Zombie-Killing &quot;Woahs&quot; Turn into Camera Woes (See What I Did There?)
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
 * 2010 09 10
 * PHOTOS

Anyone know how to fix up a Nexus One camera? Preferably when you have no physical access to the outside world?

Little back-story required.

Was out yesterday. Was tired of all the food inside our safe room. Wanted something sweet. Cake. Chocolates. Gummi bears. The like. (A bag of sugar would also suffice.) So, I head out, and who do I see? Chuck Greene. Motocross man. Was the Slicecycles winner at Terror Is Reality. Caused the outbreak. (Or didn't. Everyone's stories conflict there.)

Was going to call out to him. But didn't. Had a mouth full of cake. It's bad manners to talk with cake in your mouth. You spit out crumbs everywhere. And this was pineapple upside-down cake! *Delicious* pineapple upside-down cake! I didn’t want to waste a single crumb.

Sorry, tangent.

Didn't call out to Chuck. He seemed to be busy with zombies anyway. (I was, too, but they were mostly dead by this point.) So, I decide to play photographer for a bit. I get out my N1 and start snapping some shots.

I get into it. Start talking like one of those professionals. You know, those creepy guys who work with unsmiling models in photoshoot montages.

"Oh, work it!"

"You're a tiger!"

"Love the camera! *Love* it!"

"Fantastic!"

And so on and so forth. Got some nice shots, too. Have a look!

'

Don't know if Greene noticed me. If he did, he didn't act like it. Absolutely no mugging for the camera. So, I try to get up closer. But I slip. Almost fall. Catch myself. I'm okay! But my phone just kind of went through the air. Landed in a small fountain.

Cue the horn.

Luckily, I was able to fish it out. Wipe it off. Dry it. Seemed to be working. Then I look up. Greene's running away. That son of a motherless goat! No appreciation for my art.

So, I go after him. But then I see some other dude. Vaguely recognized him. Maybe saw him at a party a few years back. Maybe a celebrity. Can't remember his name, though. Phil? Floyd? Regardless, he was fighting zombies, too. It was like Oktoberfest! But replace beer with zombies! And drinking with slaughter! It was like I'd died and gone to heaven.

So, I try taking pictures of the festivities. But the water must have pfargtl'd up my N1's camera, because all the pictures turned out really crappy. They were...here, you can see for yourself.

'

Not cool, am I right? I tried going to Robsaka Mobile. Maybe some components there. But no! Seems like everything they had was for iPhones. Or for those non-smart-phones. Sucks.

Tried fixing with duct tape. Duct tape should solve everything, dammit! But that didn't work either. So now I'm stuck. So, again: Anyone know how to fix up a Nexus One camera? Preferably when you have no physical access to the outside world. Seriously, not being able to take pictures of me ripping off zombie heads?
 * - valign=top
 * Johnny Pipes

Taped-Up Death-Bringer! Caught on Film! In Technicolor, Maybe!
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
 * 2010 09 13
 * video link

Remember a while back? Specifically, back to August 18? That was a special day. That was the day we had our first...

WEAPON OF THE WEEK

...and that was the Grave Digger. I expressed how much I liked it. I still like it. Built one. Use it. It works nice. Though it may have given me carpal tunnel. Need to add better shock absorbers.

Regardless!

It's a nice tool that does what it's supposed to do. And then some. And I'm not the only one, apparently.

We don't encourage people to make their weapons. Only mockups. Think about it: You make some killer weapon. You then kill your sister. You sue us. You sue *me*! Take all my Red Bull money! Then you make Johnny Pipes Plumbing pay for your sister's funeral. The court even forces me to give you my truck.

I'll be *damned* if I let you take my truck!

But this is different! These two...gentlemen, I guess...are professionals. At least, they said they are. I don't really want to call them out on it. They seem to know what they're doing. So I'll let them do their thing. But only because my webcam is lousy. Otherwise, I'd film myself! Show you how it's done. But you *should* see the weapon in action. It'll make you all giddy. Like a schoolgirl! A *violent* schoolgirl!

Hot damn!

That makes me thirsty for more killing! And Red Bull! And killing!

In that order. Gotta go!
 * - valign=top
 * Gretchen Peregrine

I May be a Horrible Person for Posting This, But...
I said a while back that I was offering an invitation to any and all survivors to stay in our studio.
 * 2010 09 13
 * photos

I am officially rescinding that offer to these individuals:

'

I came across these children whilst I was walking through the South Plaza, hoping to find any stragglers coming from the Fortune City Arena.

There they were, huddled around a cloth map with small mountains scribbled in what I can only imagine was permanent marker. They were bunkered within the remains of a construction zone, a veritable cornucopia of disgusting, sugar-laden food within easy reach. As I made my way over to them, originally hoping to coax them into our safe space, I could hear them arguing with each other. At first, I thought they may have been debating escape plans, but no.

"You cannot roll after losing your boots! What are you going to walk in?"

"The quicksand only took my left boot. I still have the right one."

"In that case, he should be able to go at half-step. Divide your roll by two!"

"Stop making up rules!"

I waited in the shadows for minutes, hoping to enter into the conversation at a free moment. However, this argument - and I don't mean a similar argument, I mean the same one, about his shoes - went on for a full 15 minutes.

Now, I think it fair to mention their attire. I know it may seem wrong to be judgmental on such a superficial thing, but when one of them was wearing a mad scientist costume, and another was wearing a bonnet and poodle-skirt, I think the issue is a bit more than superficial. Gentlemen, if you don't want to be seen as a societal outcast, you best not dress the part.

In any event, I was becoming less and less enamored with my potential rescuees, so I decided to leave. Just my luck, I accidentally knocked over a piece of rebar. Of course, that caught their attention.

"A girl."

"No way!"

"Tee-Oh-Jee-Tee-Eff-Oh!"

"Maybe she is come to make sweet love to us!"

I kid you not, this is what they said. In a moment of stupidity, I offered them shelter in our safehouse. The children used that as an opportunity to make crass and, quite frankly, awkward innuendo. (Honestly, I've heard better come-ons at a mortuary.)

Eventually, I just turned around, and walked out. As I did, I could hear them snickering and snorting. I later found out why. In my back pocket, I found four business cards. Business Cards.

Now that I think about it, I suppose the snickering is because one of them got so close to my backside. But thankfully, now that I have their cards, I can expose these troglodytes to the world.

'

'

'

'

Perhaps, if they see this, they will be moved to change their ways. ...Though I doubt it.
 * - valign=top
 * Johnny Pipes

Follow My Survival Guide! Or You Will Die! Probably!
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
 * 2010 09 15

Ran into my first survivor today. Not a lady-folk either unfurtunately. Here’s how it went:

Me:“Hi there! Nice to meet you! I'm Johnny Pipes!"

Him: "*Grumble grumble.*"

Me: "You got a place? I got a place. Nice studio. Wanna come with?"

Him: "*Grumble grumble.*"

Me: "You don't look so hot. You could use some caffeine!"

Him: "Just let me die! There's no point to being alive anymore! I lost her. I lost all of them! I'm a miserable wretch. I just wanna DIE!"

What a stoopid attitude! And I told him so. "What a stoopid attitude!" I said. Then I punched him. In the face. "You wanna die? That's your prerogative!"

he had no right staying alive like that. We're in a zombie apocalypse. (Alternatively, a Zombocalypse!) And he broke a cardinal rule of Johnny Pipes' Guide to Zombocalypse Survival. What's that? Never heard of such a guide? That's because I just made it up. Still useful though! So let's take a look!

Johnny Pipes' Guide to Zombocalypse Survival

Rule One: Be prepared! Always have a weapon on hand! You never know when you're gonna need to whack something. Also, always have food on hand. You never know when you're gonna need to regain some strength. Basic stuff.

Rule Two: Suspect everyone! If someone's bitten, they're a pre-turn. No question there. Only a matter of time before they start chomping away at you! Then there's those who haven't been bitten. One of three things there. One, they're lucky. Two, they're good (like me). Three, they're insane. They're probably worse than zombies.

Rule Three: Take bathroom breaks! Sounds silly, but it's not! You have to keep hydrated in these situations! So you drink a lot! (I also drink a lot to keep my caffeine levels high.) Hence, you have to take breaks. Zombies typically don't go into bathrooms. Not sure why. But take advantage of that! Seriously, the last thing you want is to wet yourself in the middle of a fight. Bad for morale. Also, rashes. So, yeah, you could say bathrooms are like a saving grace!

Rule Four: Study your surroundings. Know where you can find what. You only have so much time in the day. Don't waste it putting around like a tourist. Find a map. Memorize where everything is. Then when you need anything, you can get to it without wasting a single minute!

Rule Five: Think positive! Keep a smile on your face. Regardless of how many things want you dead, smile! If you cannot, there's no point to staying alive. That's why I left that guy to his fate. Too dour. Too depressing.

So there you are. Five simple rules! They'll help you stay happy, healthy, and alive!
 * - valign=top
 * Johnny Pipes

Weapon of the Week - 15th September
Does everybody know what time it is?
 * 2010 09 15
 * photo

Hopefully, you said...

WEAPON OF THE WEEK

...time! "Tool Time" would also work. Partially. Because half of this week's winner is a tool. A potent tool! And then it's put on wheels! Ding dong! The zombie's dead! Also, I just love this week's winner's name! It's the Penetrator!

This hot tamale was cooked up by StevenViper! And hot damn, it's nice.

Remember something I said before? Johnny Pipes likes efficiency. Multi-usability! Why would I just replace your sink? Why shouldn't I install a garbage disposal, too? That way, your sink serves multiple purposes!

Same with this. There are lots of four-wheeled thingamajigs out there. Just as many two-wheelers (that was for you, Wally). But not all are created alike! Shopping carts are specially-made to hold stuff. That's why all the homeless dudes travel everywhere with them! Name *one* homeless dude who stores stuff on a skateboard. And if you can think of one, name *two*! See, you cannot! Shopping carts are the way to go.

Think of all the stuff you could store in there! Extra weapons! Survivors! Survivors *wielding* extra weapons! Zombie body parts (if you're collecting trophies)! Supplies! Newspapers! Linens! Maybe even groceries!

But this isn't just about storage! It's about carnage, as well. Which is where the excavator comes into play. I love this thing! It's simple! In fact, it's essentially a screw (an unshelled Archimedes screw), one of the simple machines. And the name is so descriptive. It *extracts* stuff! Water, dirt, blood, guts, and possibly loose gravel. And then, if you can get the zombie firm enough on that screw, you've got an undead windmill! He'll unknowingly punch and kick as he flails about. Disorienting? Somewhat. Awesome? Absolutely!

Now, put these two together! Now you've got something *beautiful*. Something called "The Penetrator!" Mmm, feels good just saying that! (I'm saying it out loud, by the by.) Makes me wish I'd seen an extractor around here (or a shopping cart, for that matter)!

Still, it's the *thought* that counts. Like Christmas gifts! So nice work on this week's...

WEAPON OF THE WEEK

...StevenViper! Thanks to you, I'll be able to penetrate things in my dreams!


 * D
 * - valign=top
 * Wallace Hertzog

I Saw One of My Current Favorite Bands Last Night!
You'll never guess who I saw last night! Angel Lust!
 * 2010 09 16
 * photos

...I've just been told by Johnny Pipes that most most people probably don't know who Angel Lust is. [LHL Edit: i do!] Well, to save you from searching Google, here's a quick history of how I first got into them.

Back in 2005, one of my co-workers gives me tickets for my birthday to the House of Blues in Houston to see some no-name band. (They actually did have a name - it was "Angel Lust" - but I'm trying to say they weren't popular at the time.) All he told me is that it was some British goth rock band and I'd like it. Now, Houston is about 200 miles out from San Antonio. The only reason I went is because one of my other co-workers bought me tickets to the Spurs vs. Rockets game that was going on at that same time. So the three of us drove out to Houston, watched a pathetic showing by the Spurs, and saw the concert.

And damn, what a concert! According to the story, Angel Lust's speakers actually go up to 12! (Going up to 11 had been done.) And you could definitely hear it; their music would blast your head off if you weren't careful. And Floyd, the Crow-looking bassist, actually kicked pig's blood into the crowd (at least that's what they said it was; we were in the back, so for all I know, it could have been pepper sauce). A great surprise. I later bought all their albums, my favorite being "Feet on the Dancefloor, Head in a Grave." So when I saw one of these posters while walking around...

'

I got all excited that I may be able to see them! Then I remembered the outbreak, and that pretty quickly dashed those hopes.

So imagine my immense glee when I actually saw them on stage, performing live at the Silver Strip! It was surreal. There were zombies everywhere, and they were just playing like nothing was unusual. I think that may be the most rock-and-roll thing you can do in that kind of situation. I tried yelling at them, to tell them to join us in the studio, but their music was so loud, I couldn't even hear myself. In the end, I was enjoying the performance so much that I almost forgot about the zombies. I decided to leave Angel Lust to do their thing; as it was, I barely managed to escape without being bitten. Luckily, I managed to take a few (pretty lousy) pictures.

'

Now, if I survive, I'll be able to look back on this as my own little personal concert in the midst of the crisis. Very surreal, but very rocking!
 * - valign=top
 * Johnny Pipes

I&#039;ve Got a Beautiful Feeling! Everything&#039;s Going My Way!
2 VIDEOS neither work
 * 2010 09 17
 * photos video

Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!

You ever have a great day? Like, you lay down at night and say, "That was a great day!"

Well, I had one of those today!

Wallace, bless his heart, is still all up-in-up. Trying to build the best weapon. It's so cute. He actually came up with something pretty good today. Simple, too. An axe and a sledgehammer. Put together. Makes sense if you think about it. Both axes and sledges only really face in two directions. Front and back. But what about the sides. Well, Wallace basically squigged the two together (that's a technical term). Now you have a four-directional zombie-whacker! Looks pretty good in action, too!

Only thing I don't like is the name. "The Defiler". Ech. Sounds like the pipe system on Waters Avenue back in Costa Mesa. That was defiled.

But good work, Wally! Nicely done! Johnny Pipes is proud. But Johnny Pipes isn't standing still. No, I've been busy myself. I've actually 1-up'd Wallace, and made two creations. I love friendly rivalries!

The first is pretty basic. I saw an abandoned wheelchair in one of the Casinos. Still in good condition. I looked around for an elderly person. (Fact: Most wheelchair users in FC don't have disabilities, but rather old and lazy. And are usually guests trying to exploit the system. But hey, they're zombies now!) Didn't find any, so I took the chair. Then I found a couple of old assault rifles. Don't ask me where. You don't wanna know. Ha HA!

Did a bit of tinkering in the chair. Made it electric powered. Grabbed my guns, grabbed my tape, and voila! The Blitzkrieg!

'

But Johnny Pipes wasn't done there! No sir (or lady-folk)! Today wasn't a good day, it was a great day. And that's because Johnny Pipes actually bent the laws of physics themselves!

I'm not a movie guy. Barely ever see them. Too much time wasted when you could be creating. But Lefty is a sci-fi geek. Actually, he is an everything geek. But that includes sci-fi. So he is always talking about how cool it would be to make a laser sword. Like, a sword made out of light. I tell him to do it already! He says it's impossible. You cannot have light stop at a certain point. And you cannot make have tangible aspects.

That sounds like a challenge to me!

So I asked Lefty how such a sword is made. He said you need a light emitter and some kind of crystal. Light emitter was easy enough. There are flashlights all over the place. Little bit of rewiring should make them more potent. The crystal was a bit trickier. I tried looking for one of those hippie stores. The ones where they sell geodes and stuff like that. Couldn't find one. So, I had to make due. Got some jewelry instead. Took some of the gems out of the rings and earrings. Found a real good one. I stuck that in my modified flashlight, and bam! Mission complete!

So! I successfully altered the very properties of light. Made it into a practical short-range weapon. I'd say today was a great day!


 * - valign=top
 * Wallace Hertzog

A Post About a Postman (But Not That Movie)
VIDEO DOES NOT WORK
 * 2010 09 21
 * photos

You have to respect some people's work ethics.

Back when I was a kid in Comfort, I didn't have summer vacations like the other kids did. I worked in my father's repair shop, fixing up the town's cars and motorcycles. (If I remember correctly, there were an unusually high number of Dodge Darts there.) My work was mostly just assistance - only so much a 9-year-old can do - but it helped give me the kind of mentality to get through my 13-hour workdays.

But my father had even higher standards. He once said to me that there are two jobs that he has the utmost respect for: soldiers, and postmen. I understood why he respected soldiers.

But postmen? That through me for a loop at the time.

Now I think I understand.

'

Now, that wasn't there before. At first, I thought that somebody may have stolen the mail cart. Maybe it was one of those looters, trying to find a way to more easily haul their ill-gotten goods. Or maybe it was one of those even worse looters who wear the orange jumpsuits and carry around those assault rifles.

But then I saw the postman himself.

'

And I think I understood what my father meant. I didn't have a chance to talk to him; he seemed to be really intent on finishing his rounds. But he was talking about how nothing, not even a zombie outbreak will stop in his responsibilities.

Interestingly, he seemed more worried about someone signing for his delivery (he said something about medicine) than he did about being bitten. I can respect that, although I think he may be a little out of touch with reality. Also, I would hope that if he did get bitten, he'd set aside his work ethics for a bit and tend to himself. (Maybe that medicine he was carrying was Zombrex; I'm not sure.)

So I salute you, Mr. Postman-in-the-zombie-infested-plaza. This bud's for you!
 * - valign=top
 * Left Hand Lance

Weapon of the Week: 22nd September
Ya wanna know something about living through a zombie apocalypse? it makes you see things differently. like, I came from a rich family. And I mean RICH. we had an 8-bedroom house for a 4-person family, with 2 maids, a part-time butler for weekend parties, and a guy who came in to wax our floor every month.
 * 2010 09 22
 * photo links

i never really bothered them one way or the other, but I tried being nicer to them than my folks - "Sir and Lady Williams" - were. but now that i look back on it, I wish i were that guy who waxed the floors. 'cause then i'd be able to make this week's WEAPON OF THE WEEK!

This week's WOTW comes all the way from australia, where toilets flush in the opposite direction, people eat vegemite sandwhiches, and you can ride a kangaroo to work. they're also on the bottom of the earth, so all the blood rushes to their head to give them cool ideas like the ANKLE GRINDER:

[aussie voice] What a beauty! this ace weapon was submitted by our mate DeathByTape, whose created a bunch of weapons that are really rip snorters! uhhhhhhhh...........crikey!

Okay, enough with that, on to the weapon itself!

it's a pretty simple design: 1 part floor waxer, 12 parts knives. Just turn on, and push forward; any zombies in your way will be chopped down, slice by slice, until they're a much more reasonable height for you to deal with, lol.

but still, in case you don't quite get it, (and because I think the idea is just too cool), here's a patented LHL post-it note diagram:

LOL, it's tooo sweet. plus, you can be all, "i waxed the floor with BLOOD!" (actually, that would be an awesome tagline for a movie. but whatevs.)

I would say that thsi could be dangerous to the user, seeing as the blades are spinning on both sides of the waxer, but not really; i mean, there's a handle that keep the thing like 2 feet in front of you at all times, so unless your duct taping full-on zweihanders on there, you should be okay. (i guess you could also attach a rear guard to if your really paranoid about cutting off your own feet).

Overall, though, this thing is sah-weet! i cannot wait to try it out! Noice work, DeathByTape; i cannot wait to cut down the zombies so they're "down under" me.

>_>

<_<

>_>


 * - valign=top
 * Johnny Pipes

Let&#039;s Talk About Machines! Machines That *Vend*!
This place is paradise! Okay, maybe not a Polynesian-style paradise. Or a gangsta's paradise. Instead, it's just a kinda feel-good paradise. Kinda like Pleasure Island from Pinocchio. Except no donkey transformation. That'd suck.
 * 2010 09 23
 * photo

Think about it. Where else can you just take a sword from somebody's store? Without paying for it? And then use that sword to slice that store owner in half. And be considered a hero for it? Or shooting cops with their own guns. Again, I'm the hero. And I don't even need diplomatic immunity. That's paradise.

But one thing is, paradise isn't free.

Take the vending machines. I like them better than those pawnshop punks. One, their inanimate. So they don't talk to you in that raspy voice. Seriously, did they all come from Smoker's Anonymous?

Two, vending machines don't hide behind chain link fences. But now those looters are taking over the vending machines too!

'

Stuffed them with handguns and knives. Try to force people to pay even more than they did for their snacks. Bad form, boys! Johnny Pipes doesn't need your weapons! Luckily, some people are idiots. Most are, in fact. But some actually buy from these machines, and so when I smash them up, you can get even more money. I once got a cool thousand from one looter's vending machine. Not bad for 4 seconds work!

Now I just need something to spend that money on. I still never got my nachos since the outbreak began. Maybe if one of the looters was selling that...
 * - valign=top
 * Left Hand Lance

the devil wears suspenders...
oh my eff! Oh my eff! OH MY EFF!
 * 2010 09 24
 * photos

i grew up watching zombie movies. The concept of zombies is scary, yeah, but in fact these things aren't really. I can pretty much fight my way around them.

but OH MY EFF WHAT IS THAT????!!!!!!

'

srsly, that thing is nightmare fuel! i was just minding my own business in the mall, and trying to snag some pieces of artwork at the Cleroux Collection (hey, it's not looting if you're planning on giving it to your mom for christmas). And then, just right next door, i see that FREAK just skatin along by the kids Choice clothing store. then i look and there's some other freak (dead) on the ground. And this guy is just going on abot losign her and how its all the guy on TVs fault and this and that.

He mentions (honestly, i dunno who hes talking to; I was kinda hidden at the time) that his name is slappy. Sounded familiar, so i did a quick check online. turns out, slappy is the name of an ol-timey cartoon character that they've whored out to merchandise and junk. Actually, it's the name of a bunch of cartoon characters, but I think this is the one that he is supposed to be.

'

okay, THAT looks like a nice cartoon character. Byt HOW the hell did that turn into THIS?!?!

dubya tee EFF!

'

'

'


 * shudder* That's gona give me nightmares for months.

on a completely unrelated note, HEY ALL YOU PEOPLE IN THE EUROPE LANDS!!! Have you gotten your copy of Dead Rising 2 yet? remember to do that! i’ve also been seeing online that for every copy you buy, a free box of zombrex will be donated to the “victims of Fortune City” charity, so it’s for a good cause, y’know! Plus, you’ll be able to kill a bunch of zombies, like we do, but not have to stick your neck on the line each time!!1! >_<
 * - valign=top
 * Gretchen Peregrine

Another Weapon of the Week in Live Action: Thor
So, the people at the Tape Company have sent us another video of one of the weapons on the week, made into an an actual, physical weapon. The video was sent to us via email with this message
 * 2010 09 25
 * video, link


 * Hey hey, tape buddies! It's the Tape Company, coming at you again with another of your fine readers' weapons, made into something actual! This time we went and used the Thor, which was the electrified sledgehammer. You have no idea how excited we were to make this one. The power of a god in your hands! I wet my pants in anticipation, and I think our camera man took it one step further. Hope you enjoy the video!

...You'd think that any company that actually uses the word "Company" in their name would have a semblance of professionalism in their work. I certainly thought that, especially since their name was so bland (descriptive, but bland).

...I've just been informed by Lance, who has apparently been looking over my shoulder this whole time, that he spent a "solid week" making a sponsorship deal with the Tape Company, and that I should try not to "trash talk" them. Fine:

The Tape Company is a lovely corporation that makes wonderful products. They are also patrons of the artistic spirit, as shown by the fact that they will bring breathe life into zombie-killing weapon conceptions. Isn't it splendid? These individuals surely deserve your patronage.

Now, let's take a look at how they actually create this weapon.

I'll give them credit for taping up their faces. That takes tenacity (and a decent pain threshold when removing it). And I will admit, they did seem to have a certain level of competency when crafting together the weapon; the wiring seems to have been actually done correctly.

But as for their test, I think their choice of using a mannequin body with an uncut watermelon head may not have been the most appropriate "victims", as neither plastic or melon rind are particularly renowned for their conductive properties. It's like trying to do a Mensa test with a litmus strip; you need the right equipment for the test.

Still, I suppose kudos are in order. Kudos to VileMethoD for having his weapon of the week turned into a physical object, and kudos to our benefactors at the Tape Company for not getting themselves killed like the [LHL Edit: word deleted] they are.
 * - valign=top
 * Left Hand Lance

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: buy a game!
HEY EVERYPEOPLES! did you know that Dead Rising 2 - aka "that video game that documents all that's going down in the Fortune city outbreak - is now released? like, EVRYWHERE?
 * 2010 09 28
 * video

well, it is, so now alls y'alls go out and buy it!

Now, why would i care if you bought a game or not? hell, i'm bunch of things, and chief amongst them are "gamer" and "zombie afficianado". (though I gotta say, that latter one is only for FICTIONAL zombies. i've had enough of real life ones forever, lol). so when something can combine those two together, it's win-win-win!

also, like I said last week, Phenotrans is doing a special: for every copy you buy, a free box of zombrex will be donated to the “victims of Fortune City” charity. which is a good thing; you'll be able to help all the people that make it out.

(also, i heard that whoever made the game did, like, crazy mad research, and knows EVERYTHING, so all the survivors in the game will be based on real people who were involved in the outbreak. so who knows, maybe the TIOD crew may even show up in there. ROFL)

But seriously, if you don't got it, gets it! if/when I finally get out of this hellhole, i'll totally co-op it with you! ^_^
 * - valign=top
 * Wallace Hertzog

Weapon of the Week: 29th September
Hello everybody! I hope you're all doing well. Things have been slowly but steadily improving (at least as much as a zombie apocalypse can improve), and I've been continuing in my attempts to make a great combo weapon. But as JP points out to me, 9 times of 10, the idea I thought of has already been thought of by one of you. So I tried not looking at your submissions, because I felt like I'd lose my inspiration. Still, when I saw this week's Weapon of the Week, I knew that I'd like to comment on it!
 * 2010 09 29
 * photo link

Take a look at this, it's the Devil Horns! >

This was created by taper Sawbones, and seems like it would be pretty easy to make. All you need are a few power drills and a pair of steel gauntlets. I've seen a bunch of power drills everywhere in this city (Black and Darker, or whoever produces them, must have had some exclusive deal with Fortune City). Gauntlets I've seen fewer of, but I know that there is suits of armor in Ned's Knicknackery, so I'm sure I'll be able to improvise.

I also like the secondary image that Sawbones posted. It gives some context into how versatile this weapon is. He's really thought of almost everything!

So really, you can poke, rip, tear, lift, and completely destroy all the zombies in your way. But I don't even think it needs to end there. Why just use these as killing instruments, when they can also be useful tools. Think how easy this would make it to climb walls. No longer would you have to worry about getting good hand-holds. Just drill in your own. (And of course, the mechanic in me wants to swap out the drills for screwdrivers, making bike repair that much faster...in theory.)

But really, what revs my engine about this weapon is the flavor behind it. I know that Sawbones is calling them the Devil Horns to show his support for the metal arts. (And I don't mean mechanics, haha.) As a fellow fan of rock myself, I've thrown up many horns in different concerts. There's a certain sense of power you get by doing that. Of course, I'm also a Texan, and while I may be based in San Antonio, I have to tip my hat to Austin and their wonderful sports program, because without that, we wouldn't have the Hook'Em Horns! So really, whenever I use these, I can pretend with my left hand that I'm at a Judas Priest and/or Angel Lust concert, and with my right hand that I'm at a Longhorns game. What could be better?

Nice job, Sawbones! This really looks like something that will help me pass the time until I can think up a really good weapon of my own!


 * - valign=top
 * Gretchen Peregrine

My Punishment, My Test, My Downfall
Today may have been one of the most difficult days of my life. And yet, it may have been the most enlightening as well, even more than the rest of this experience, which has been filled with enlightening moments.
 * 2010 09 30
 * photo

I found a box of Zombrex whilst I was out on my rounds today. That seems to be my specialty, does it not?

What was different than when I previously found a Zombrex box, though, is that this one contained a full dose. 24 hours of life. 24 hours of a prison sentence. This gave me pause. Should I bring this back to the studio - horde it, if you will - in case the unthinkable happens and one of us turns? Or should I try to use it on any - if indeed there are any - survivors I come across? In both situations, would I really be helping the infected individual? Or would the euthanistic approach be more merciful, to not put someone in the emotional and financial grip of this drug? All these thoughts came flooding to my head as I stared at this vial.

However, that was not the difficult part of my day; that came about a half-hour later. At that point, I found a survivor: the man was stumbling around. The medical professional in me ran over to aid him. That's when I saw his neck. He had been bitten. He was going to turn. For the briefest of seconds, I recoiled in horror. However, I soon realized Fate's plan. This was a test of my resolve, and my ethics. I had two things in my handbag: one vial of Zombrex, and one gun. Either would save him. One option temporary, the other permanent.

One ethical, the other not. Which was which, though, I have no idea.

I reached my hand inside the bag, and grabbed onto one of them. However, I did not know at the time which I was grabbing. I still don't know. My mind was blank, my movements unthinking. And before I lifted my hand out to see what I was gripping, he turned. I've never seen a person turn before. It was unreal. It was horrifying. And there was nothing I could do at that point. My mind turned back into survival mode, I grabbed a nearby shard of glass, and stabbed it into his head.

That's when I realized it: I hesitated. It was at least a full minute that I was gripping whatever I was unknowingly gripping in my bag, unwilling to bring it out. I did not act. For someone dedicated to the well-being of others, there is no greater sin than inaction. Fate tested me, and I failed.

I made short time walking to one of the casinos, where I hid the Zombrex behind a stage.

'

I don't know what will happen to those items. That's not my concern. Those are both items of action, and I don't feel I should have them. Not after that. I should go back to the studio, work on the site, do what I can to keep people alive, and figure out what's next in my life.

...I have a lot of thinking to do.
 * - valign=topstyle="background-color:#DFDFDF"

October

 * Month of October
 * Month of October


 * - valign=top
 * Johnny Pipes

Withdrawl = Worse Than Zombies
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
 * 2010 10 01
 * photos

Confession time! Okay, more like admission time. Namely, I'm admitting that I'm slowing down. Way down. Haven't had a good burst of caffeine in my system for a day now. I've even decided to settle for generic-brand energy drinks. But there are none. Anywhere! The closest I can find are cups of coffee. But even then, it's not like espresso. It's that watered-down junk. Not even enough to keep my hands from shaking.

Gretchen offered to make me some juice. Green juice. Called it an energizer. To give me energy. Tasted terrible. (No offense, Sugar Toes!) Way too much vegetable flavor. No good. No good. Damn.

This is gonna be rough.

But I gotta think of other ways to get hyped. Gotta keep mind sharp. Alert. Awake. Alert. Hyped. Awake.

Weapon ideas! Weapon ideas should do the trick.

Passed by a construction site a while back. Saw a saw. A cement saw, to be more specific. Recognized it as a Poloromi I-76. 14,000 RPM, with a small vacuum for collecting the cement dust. Uses 10-inch tooth-fiber blade. Costs roughly $485. Not sure what that would be with tax. What's the tax rate in Nevada? Whatever.

A light goes off in my head. Plates! There are plates all over the place. Like in the Fortune City food court. I go there every so often if I want to get a good decent meal. (Mind the local chef, he is a tad off.) And there's all sorts of plates.

What if you put the plates in the cement saw?

Think about it!! The plates are nearly 10-inches in diameter! They'd fit perfectly in the saw. Reverse-engineer that vacuum so it blows out. Ramp up the power. I think, I think, you can get a fairly powerful plate launcher.

But I cannot test it! I don't have the parts. And I'm in no condition to go topside right now. I even told Wallace he can build it if he got the parts. But he says he doesn't want to go all the way to the construction site. Too far.

I hope someone is still alive up there. If so: please bring down those pieces so we can test this sucker. I'll even give you this. It's one of those cards LHL and Wallace made.

'

Free! Totally free of charge. Until then, I can only imagine. Maybe it would work like this.

'

Maybe. Gah, I need caffeine.
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 * Left Hand Lance

Weapon of the Week: 6th October
HEY YO PEOPLES! i gots a couple of messages for you.
 * 2010 10 06
 * photos links

firts off, i wanna say THAAAAAANKS to everybody for submitting your various weapon ideas. we got like a ZILLION, and even the ones that weren't chosen as WOTWs were great, based on my own experience, lol. Butr a winner's gotta be chosen at some point, so we need to end the voting. and since i write the code here, I'm ending the voting NOW! as far as who the overall winner is, JP told us he is got some news to share this Friday, including who the weapon winner is. So keep a sharp eye!

Second thing: i just got an email from the Tape Company, who said that they're gonna be sending over a video immortalize the 3rd WOTW winner sometime "soon". i'll hook ya'll up when it gets here.

But enough with all that crap! let's get to what we wanted to get to: this week's WEAPON OF THE WEEK! and for this week, I just have one thing to say.

RUUUUUUUN!!!! GOOOO!!! GET TO DA CHOPPA!!!!

and with that, I present to you the NEW meaning of "Choppa"!

This is another winner by DeathByTape, who seems to be on a roll. this is his second winning entry. what's that? you don't like the same dude winning twice? Well, screw that, you voted for him, lOL.

now, I gotta admit, when i first saw this thing, I was HELLA confused. As in, I was asking "what the funk & wagnall is a whipper snipper?" thankfully, google and wikipedia save the day, and the 'whipper snipper' can also be known as: Strimmer, string trimmer, line trimmer, Weedeater, Weedwhacker, weed wacker, Weed Whip, weedy, garden strimmer, grass trimmer, or Trimmer. DAYUM! Basically, it's this thing, and 'whipper snipper' is what they calls it in Aussieland.

Now that THATS out of the way, let's look at the weapon itself. basically, it combines two things metal blades (in this case, the blades of a small metal windmill) and high speeds. that's a good combination if I've ever seen one! it's like having a saw blade on a stick. in fact, that would make a great tagline: "Da Choppa: it's like having a saw blade on a stick!"

i could totes see this being useful when you really don't want to get to close to the zombies. Just walk at a normal pace, swinging this thing from side to side like a blind guy's cane. depending on how high you held it, you could chop off legs, gouge out chests, or lop off heads! I think it's a winner!

In fact, the only real complaint i have about this is the term "whipper snipper". DeathByTape, you gotta flush that aussie lingo in the opposite direction if you expect to survive around here, LOL.

And fo the rest of ya'll, stay tuned for the big winner!
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 * Wallace Hertzog

The Chuck-Ram: Built and Filmed
Things are getting a little weird right now. Gretchen has basically gone into some sort of emotional coma where she is not talking to anyone. Johnny Pipes is walking around the studio, punching the walls and mumbling about getting caffeine in his system. He sent LHL out to find him some energy drinks or espresso or something.
 * 2010 10 07
 * video

And then there's the fact that some of the zombies outside have been getting stronger and faster and meaner.

So, with everyone currently preoccupied, I guess it's up to me to show you all something really cool. Now, if you've been paying attention the last few weeks, you've seen that the Tape Company, one of the people we have a sponsorship deal with, has been making videos of people's Weapons of the Week. This week, they did so with the Chuck-Ram, which was the chakram-inspired, knifed-up throwing weapon.

They did deviate from the original design a little bit. Instead of using a hula hoop as their main instrument, they're instead using a...I'm actually not sure what that is. It's like a little throwing ring, almost like a frisbee. Still, I think the basic concept it essentially unchanged: it's a throwing weapon that will hit with a blade no matter how much it spins (as opposed to those times you throw a knife and hit with the hilt).

The best part about this is the testing. I swear, based on the videos I've seen coming from the Tape Company, they must single-handedly keep the melon market in business. Haha. But this thing is actually pretty effective. I guess it would be a good time to say, like they do on TV, "Don't try this at home." Unless you are being attacked by zombies and/or watermelon-folk, that is.

I particularly like their failed attempt at a vertical shot. Even though it didn't hit the zombie, it still managed to knock their hat off. You could use that as a bar trick. "Hey, buddy, if I knock your hat off your head, you buy me a drink." But for the most part, you can see how deadly this weapon is. Unfotunately, you can also see how the Chuck-ram doesn't work like a boomerang, and so once you throw it, it's gone. And if you miss, not only are you going to have to retrieve it, but you're going to have an angry zombie going after you.

Rats. Now I'm hungry for some watermelon.
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 * Johnny Pipes

Announcing Our WEAPON OF THE FOREVER!!! (and other news, too!)
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
 * 2010 10 08
 * photo links

Good news! Lefty came through for me! Went on a little excursion. Stumbled upon a supermarket's "the back". (As in "There's none of this product here. Can you check the back?") Came upon a veritable bushel of energy drinks. Generic brand, unfortunately. But I'm not complaining! Beggars cannot be choosers.

So, I downed about eight cans. Feel better now. Ready to take on the world. Also, ready to tell you some big news.

First piece!

Ever since the outbreak, you've sent us weapons. Big weapons. Little weapons. Effective and ineffective weapons. We've laughed, we've cried, we've shared memories. We've also had a...

WEAPON OF THE WEEK

...each week. But there were promises of something *bigger*! Something for the person who creates the best of the best of the *best*! And that is our...

WEAPON OF THE FOREVER

...! Actually, the rest of the team wanted to call it the "ULTIMATE WEAPON". So I'm overruled there. Whatever. Point is, there's someone whose weapon design outdid all the rest. Who - after all the voting was said and done - had the highest-rated weapon of them all!

Enough preamble! "Who is this phantom grand champion?" you're surely asking. Fair enough. Our overall winner, the creator of the ULTIMATE WEAPON, is (drumroll please)...

....

......

.......

THOR!!! by VileMethoD

Hot damn!

What can I say about this? Nothing, it's all been said before. Beautifully simple weapon. Lots of mythological flavor. Very effective. And of course, tape. Lots and lots of tape. The TIOD crew are all huge fans of this weapon. Seems most of you are, too. (Else it wouldn't have won.) And, of course, the Tape Company loves it too! Remember this?

"Tell him what he is won, Johnny (Pipes)!"

Oh, right! VileMethoD, you are the inventor of the ULTIMATE WEAPON! So, you will have a place in some future Dead Rising game. When or what that happens to be, I have *no* clue! But still, when it *does* arrive, you will be in the game! In some way, shape, or form! Maybe you'll have your name in there! Maybe your likeness! Maybe someone will wear a shirt saying "I ♥ VileMethoD"! Or maybe THOR itself will be a playable weapon!

However that works, not too shabby! So, congrats, VileMethoD! You are an awesome Taper, and deserve your prize! Hell, I'll name you our honorary fifth crew member. In fact, I just did! For that other stuff, we'll get in touch with you soon. Hammer out details.

But that may have to wait! Because we got some other news!

Remember Chuck Greene? No, let's not discuss if he started the outbreak. Moot point. I've crossed paths with Chuck before. Could never quite get to him. Until now!

I just made contact with Chuck earlier today. Nice guy. Nice hair. Long story short, I told him our situation. He seemed interested in helping. Ain't that cute, he thinks *we're* the ones who need help. Anyhoo, he wanted to bring us to his safehouse. Sounds like a plan!

But not yet! We have a couple things to finish up here. Little things. So I told Chuck to meet us next Friday. We should be good to go then! We probably won't be able to get all the Tape Company's videos up before then. But no worry! We'll do what we can. Then we'll post up the rest when we're safe and cozy.

I'll miss living in the Fortune City zombocalypse. Still, I cannot wait to get back to plumbing! Discounts all around! Anyhoo, we'll try documenting our escape. Look for it next Friday.

...Whew, what a rush of information! A little caffeine does *wonders*! If you need a TL;DR version here you go: We're escaping next week, and VileMethoD is awesome!

And there you go! Toodles for now!
 * - valign=top
 * Left Hand Lance

Cuteness brought to life: Serv &amp; Protect Bot Video

 * 2010 10 14

yo, party peoples! you know who has two thumbs and is getting out of fortune city soon?

THIS GUY!

You'd be amazed how much your spirits can pick up after you've found what could be your way out of hell. i dunno how JP managed to get hold of chuck greene, but whatevs, we're gonan be going HOME!

still, we're not out yet, and we're still getting videos from the Tape Company. In fact, we just got two this week. Jeez, all that they're doing with our weapons of the week, i wonder when they have time to ever actually make tape.

[Johnny Pipes Interlude: Hi folks, Johnny Pipes here! Just adding my own two cents to Lefty's post. Duct tape manufacturing is a fairly straightforward process. Very automated. Has been for 40+ years. All you need are your materials. And some machines. And it's taken care of. Hardly even need people. Why don't they spend all their time in R&D? Well, if it ain't broke, don't fix it! (Just add more tape!) Okay, back to your normally-scheduled post.]

We'll upload them one at a time, because EVRYONE deserves to have somethign special. the first one is the kawaii little "Serv and Protect Bot" by CaptainCortez. if you remember, i freaking LOVED this idea, because servbots are like little robotic bundles of joy, and when you can find a way to make them kill zombies, well, life is great. probably more than any of the other weapons, I was looking forward to the Tape Company taking a crack at this one, because i want to see how the cuteness translate4s to the real world.

unfortunately, it seems like functional RC servbots are hard to come by wherever the Tape Company is located (now that I think abotu it, i don't even know where that is. maybe I should find out if we're gonna be business partners). whatevs. The point is, they're creation here is a bit more, um, computer generated than normal. LOL. still, i think it gets the point accross! LOOKIT HIS LITTLE HAT!!yo, party peoples! you know who has two thumbs and is getting out of fortune city soon?

THIS GUY!

You'd be amazed how much your spirits can pick up after you've found what could be your way out of hell. i dunno how JP managed to get hold of chuck greene, but whatevs, we're gonan be going HOME!

still, we're not out yet, and we're still getting videos from the Tape Company. In fact, we just got two this week. Jeez, all that they're doing with our weapons of the week, i wonder when they have time to ever actually make tape.

[Johnny Pipes Interlude: Hi folks, Johnny Pipes here! Just adding my own two cents to Lefty's post. Duct tape manufacturing is a fairly straightforward process. Very automated. Has been for 40+ years. All you need are your materials. And some machines. And it's taken care of. Hardly even need people. Why don't they spend all their time in R&D? Well, if it ain't broke, don't fix it! (Just add more tape!) Okay, back to your normally-scheduled post.]

We'll upload them one at a time, because EVRYONE deserves to have somethign special. the first one is the kawaii little "Serv and Protect Bot" by CaptainCortez. if you remember, i freaking LOVED this idea, because servbots are like little robotic bundles of joy, and when you can find a way to make them kill zombies, well, life is great. probably more than any of the other weapons, I was looking forward to the Tape Company taking a crack at this one, because i want to see how the cuteness translate4s to the real world.

unfortunately, it seems like functional RC servbots are hard to come by wherever the Tape Company is located (now that I think abotu it, i don't even know where that is. maybe I should find out if we're gonna be business partners). whatevs. The point is, they're creation here is a bit more, um, computer generated than normal. LOL. still, i think it gets the point accross! LOOKIT HIS LITTLE HAT!!

D"AWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! even when brought to life, and holding a gun, it's so fweakin ADOWABLE!!

=3
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 * Left Hand Lance

More Videos! This time of the Devil Horns

 * 2010 10 14

and now we're gonna have another video from the Tape Company! w00t! we're going a liiiiiiitle out of the original order, so if you're a winner and haven't seen your weapon made into a video yet, just sit tight. we'll be able to post it after we've made our escape! but for right now, let's look at the video for the Devil Horns, by Sawbones.

i'll admit, I was a little curious when i first saw this. Like, I was like, "what does the gauntlets do for you? couldn't you just tape the two powerdrills together and call it a day?" but when you see it in action, i think it becomes a little more obvious why. Unless you're using the devil horns as a powerful punching/stabbing weapon, you're going to have to leave your arm in place for a little bit. Not too long, but afew second, to make sure you can gouge out all the goodies.

See, though, a couple seconds is all you need when your sticking out your arm. just long enough to have some other zombie come in and take a nice bite out of your arm. so the armor protects you from that. so THAT's smart! That's using the ol' braaaaaaaains, if you will.

so let's take a look at this video!

noice! i'll have to be sure to steal me some gaunlets from the suit of armor at Ned's, because this looks like it might be fun to build after weve gotten out of Fortune City! awww, sweet, SWEET FREEDOM!
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 * Johnny Pipes

So Long! Farewell! Auf Wiedersehen! Goodbye!
Hey folks! Johnny Pipes here!
 * 2010 10 15

Welp, today's the day! The day we escape, that is! If all goes well, by this time next week, we'll be out of Fortune City. Out in the normal, non-zombified world. What a time we've had. Let's listen to some moody Sarah McLachlan music as we reminisce!

Remember way back when we were just a normal site? When we just *talked* about zombies? We didn't fight them?

Remember when we were arguing about which one of us would go to Terror is Reality XVII? How petty we were being?

Remember when we were liveblogging the event? And then a bomb went off? And thousands of people died? And I didn't get my nachos?

Remember when everyone got their panties in a bunch about the whole zombacalypse thing? (Everyone but Johnny Pipes, that is.)

Remember whe we banded together? And then how we asked for your ideas? And then totally used them for our own amusement?

Remember when I met Chuck Greene? And we formed a plan to escape? (I hope so, that was last week.)

Ah, memories!

But memories can't keep you alive. Staying alive *can*. So that's what we're going to do. Mr. Chuck will be coming before too long. And then we'll have to kiss our little studio - and its free Internet service - goodbye!

What am we going to do after now? Well, I asked around our little studio. People's responses:


 * Wally is heading back to Texas. Going to work on bikes again. He says he's going to work on his tinkering abilities. (He needs to, methinks.) Maybe start making some custom bikes. Kind of like that Monster Garage show. But *deadlier*! Maybe he can get a job with Ijiek! How cute that would be!
 * Lefty says he wants to write a book based on his experiences. I find this high-larious, considering his spelling. But he wants to be able to license it for movie and game opportunities. If Leonardo DiCaprio plays Johnny Pipes, I'm on board. Best of luck with that, Lefty.
 * Gretchen is all catatonic still. After her whole personal crisis, donchaknow. She's perked up a bit since learning we're escaping. But really only perked up from "not talking" to "mumbling". So I couldn't hear her plans. I'll just assume she said, "I'm finally gonna give it up for you, Johnny Pipes!" That's a plan I approve of!

Me? Tough call. Truth be told, I enjoyed this whole zombacalypse. Good workout. Met lots of interesting people. Good stories to tell. So I think I'll wait for another one. Maybe I'll become a professional zombie hunter. Those exist, don't they? Either way, I'll be back to plumbing in the meantime. Need to rebuild my business after an extended vacation.

Tell ya what. When I'm back on, I'll give a full 50% discount for all plumbing jobs! Plus, get a Thor absolutely free! Just call (949) 478-3949. If I'm back in Costa Mesa, I'll be sure to note that. If I don't end change my message, then, well, things didn't go as planned. Hence, Johnny Pipes is either dead (unlikely). Or the escape botched, and I'm still fighting (more likely). *Or* I lose my phone (most likely).

And of course, we'll be sure to post those final WOTW videos before too long. If we're alive. Being dead would make that more difficult.

Now, Johnny Pipes believes in the *future*! That's why I want to livestream this escape! For posterity! So people can see how I fight! So people can marvel at Gretchen's nice backside! Et cetera! So, I'm giving Wally my Nexus One. (I ended up fixing it myself. Not as hard as you'd think.)

You're the director, Lefty! Don't screw this up! ;D

Okay, I think I hear Chuck Greene calling. Gotta go! I'll see you on the other side! Love and hugs, everyone! Johnny Pipes out!

Livestreaming go now!
 * }